To Prevent Bullying

If Your Child Is Being Bullied

If Your Child Is Being Bullied, You Should Remind Him/Her:

There are many reasons how and why bullies target others, and the reasons are consistent between cases. There are many myths and stereotypes such as "victims are weak". Bullying often repeats because the reasons that bullies target their victims don't change, hence this section also answers the questions "Why do I keep getting bullied" and "Why do bullies continue to bully me?".

1) How do bullies select their targets?

The bully selects their target using the following criteria:

• bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors
• being good at your job, often excelling
• being popular with people (colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, etc)
• more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
• being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (you get more attention than the bully)
• having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise
• having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)
• having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited
• being too old or too expensive (usually both)
• refusing to join an established clique
• showing independence of thought or deed
• refusing to become a corporate clone and drone

Jealousy (of relationships and perceived exclusion therefrom) and envy (of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions) are strong motivators of bullying.

2) Events that trigger bullying

Bullying starts after one of these events:

• the previous target leaves
• there's a reorganization
• a new manager is appointed
• your performance unwittingly highlights, draws attention to, exposes or invites unfavorable comparison with the bully's lack of performance (the harder you work to address the bully's claims of under-performance, the more insecure and unstable the bully becomes)
• you may have unwittingly become the focus of attention whereas before the bully was the center of attention (this often occurs with female bullies) - most bullies are emotionally immature and thus crave attention
• obvious displays of affection, respect or trust from co-workers
• refusing to obey an order which violates rules, regulations, procedures, or is illegal
• standing up for a colleague who is being bullied - this ensures you will be next; sometimes the bully drops their current target and turns their attention to you immediately
• blowing the whistle on incompetence, malpractice, fraud, illegality, breaches of procedure, breaches of health & safety regulations etc
• undertaking trade union duties
• suffering illness or injury, whether work related or not
• challenging the status quo, especially unwittingly
• gaining recognition for your achievements, winning an award or being publicly recognized
• gaining promotion

3) Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

• popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
• competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
• intelligence and intellect
• honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
• you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
• a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
• you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
• successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
• a sense of humor, including displays of quick-wittedness
• imaginative, creative, innovative
• idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
• ability to master new skills
• ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
• sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
• slow to anger
• helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
• giving and selfless
• difficulty saying no
• diligent, industrious
• tolerant
• strong sense of honor
• irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
• an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc)
• low propensity to violence (you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
• a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
• a desire to always think well of others
• being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
• being unwilling to lower standards
• a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
• high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
• a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
• low assertiveness
• a need to feel valued
• quick to apologize when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
• perfectionism
• higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
• a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
• high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
• a tendency to internalize anger rather than express it

The typical sequence of events is:

• the target is selected using the criteria above, then bullied for months, perhaps years
• eventually, the target asserts their right not to be bullied, perhaps by filing a complaint with personnel
• personnel interview the bully, who uses their Jekyll and Hyde nature, compulsive lying, and charm to tell the opposite story (charm has a motive - deception)
• it's one word against another with no witnesses and no evidence, so personnel take the word of the senior employee - serial bullies excel at deception and evasion of accountability
• the personnel department are hoodwinked by the bully into getting rid of the target - serial bullies are adept at encouraging conflict between people who might otherwise pool negative information about them
• once the target is gone, there's a period of between 2-14 days, then a new target is selected and the process starts again (bullying is an obsessive compulsive behavior and serial bullies seem unable to survive without a target on to whom they can project their inadequacy and incompetence whilst blaming them for the bully's own failings)
• even if the employer realizes that they might have sided with the wrong person in the past, they are unlikely to admit that because to do so may incur liability
• if legal action is taken, employers go to increasingly greater lengths to keep targets quiet, usually by offering a small out-of-court settlement with a comprehensive gagging clause
• employers are often more frightened of the bully than the target and will go to enormous lengths to avoid having to deal with bully (promotion for the bully is the most common outcome)

Pressure bullying or unwitting bullying 
is where the stress of the moment causes behavior to deteriorate; the person becomes short-tempered, irritable and may shout or swear at others. Everybody does this from time to time, but when the pressure is removed, behavior returns to normal, the person recognizes the inappropriateness of their behavior, makes amends, and may apologize, and - crucially - learns from the experience so that next time the situation arises they are better able to deal with it. This is "normal" behavior and I do not include pressure bullying in my definition of workplace bullying.

Organizational bullying
is a combination of pressure bullying and corporate bullying, and occurs when an organization struggles to adapt to changing markets, reduced income, cuts in budgets, imposed expectations, and other external pressures.

Corporate bullying
is where the employer abuses employees with impunity knowing that the law is weak and jobs are scarce:

• coercing employees to work 60/70/80 weeks on a regular basis then making life hell for (or dismissing) anyone who objects
• dismissing anyone who looks like having a stress breakdown as it's cheaper to pay the costs of unfair dismissal at Employment Tribunal than risk facing a personal injury claim for stress breakdown
• introduces "absence management" to deny employees annual or sick leave to which they are genuinely entitled
• regularly snoops and spies on employees, by listening in to telephone conversations, using the mystery shopper, contacting customers behind employees backs and asking leading questions, conducting covert video surveillance (perhaps by fellow employees), sending personnel officers or private investigators to an employee's home to interrogate the employees whilst on sick leave, threatening employees with interrogation the moment they return from sick leave, etc.
• deems any employee suffering from stress as weak and inadequate whilst aggressively ignoring and denying the cause of stress (bad management and bullying)
• "encourages" employees (with promises of promotion and/or threats of disciplinary action) to fabricate complaints about their colleagues
• employees are "encouraged" to give up full-time permanent positions in favor of short-term contracts; anyone who resists has their life made hell

Institutional bullying
is similar to corporate bullying and arises when bullying becomes entrenched and accepted as part of the culture. People are moved, long-existing contracts are replaced with new short-term contracts on less favorable terms with the accompanying threat of "agree to this or else", workloads are increased, work schedules are changed, roles are changed, career progression paths are blocked or terminated, etc - and all of this is without consultation.

Client bullying
is where employees are bullied by those they serve, teachers are bullied (and often assaulted) by pupils and their parents, nurses are bullied by patients and their relatives, social workers are bullied by their clients, and shop/bank/building society staff are bullied by customers. Often the client is claiming their perceived right (better service) in an abusive,  derogatory and often physically violent manner. Client bullying can also be employees bullying their clients.

Serial bullying
is where the source of all dysfunction can be traced to one individual, who picks on one employee after another and destroys them. This is the most common type of bullying I come across; most of this web site is devoted to describing and defining the serial bully, who exhibits the behavioral characteristics of a socialized psychopath. Most people know at least one person in their life with the profile of the serial bully; most people do not recognize this person as a socialized psychopath, or sociopath. I estimate one person in thirty is either  a physically-violent psychopath who commits criminal acts, or an antisocial whose behavior is antisocial, or a sociopath who commits mostly non-arrestable offences.

Secondary bullying
is mostly unwitting bullying which people start exhibiting whenthere's a serial bully in the department. The pressure of trying to deal with a dysfunctional, divisive and aggressive serial bully causes everyone's behavior to decline.

Pair bullying
is a serial bully with a colleague. Often one does the talking whilst the other watches and listens. Usually it's the quiet one you need to watch. Usually they are of opposite gender and frequently there's an affair going on.

Gang bullying
is a serial bully with colleagues. Gangs can occur anywhere, but flourish in corporate bullying climates. If the bully is an extrovert, they are likely to be leading from the front; they may also be a shouter and screamer, and thus easily identifiable (and recordable on tape and video-able). If the bully is an introvert, that person will be in the background initiating the mayhem but probably not taking an active part, and may thus be harder to identify. A common tactic of this type of bully is to tell everybody a different story - usually about what others are alleged to have said about that person - and encourage each person to think they are the only one with the correct story. Introvert bullies are the most dangerous bullies.
Half the people in the gang are happy for the opportunity to behave badly, they gain gratification from the feeling of power and control, and enjoy the patronage, protection and reward from the serial bully. The other half of the gang are coerced into joining in, usually through fear of being the next target if they don't. If anything backfires, one of these coerces will be the scapegoat and sacrificial lamb on whom enraged targets will be encouraged to vent their anger. The serial bully watches from a safe distance. Serial bullies gain a great deal of gratification from encouraging and watching others engage in conflict, especially those who might otherwise pool negative information about them.
Gang bullying or group bullying is often called mobbing and usually involves scape-goating andvictimization.

Vicarious bullying
is where two parties are encouraged to engage in adversarial interaction or conflict. Similar to gang bullying, although the bully may or may not be directly connected with either of the two parties. One party becomes the bully's instrument of harassment and is deceived and manipulated into bullying the other party. An example of vicarious bullying is where the serial bully creates conflict between employer and employee, participating occasionally to stoke the conflict, but rarely taking an active part in the conflict themselves.

Regulation bullying
is where a serial bully forces their target to comply with rules, regulations, procedures or laws regardless of their appropriateness, applicability or necessity. Legal bullying - the bringing of a vexatious legal action to control and punish a person - is one of the nastiest forms of bullying.

Residual bullying
is the bullying of all kinds that continues after the serial bully has left. Like recruits like and like promotes like, therefore the serial bully bequeaths a dysfunctional environment to those who are left. This can last for years.

Cyber bullying
is the misuse of email systems or Internet forums etc for sending aggressive flame mails. Serial bullies have few communication skills (and often none), thus the impersonal nature of email makes it an ideal tool for causing conflict. Sometimes called cyber-stalking.

In environments where bullying is the norm, most people will eventually either become bullies or become targets. There are few bystanders, as most people will eventually be sucked in. It's about survival: you either adopt bullying tactics yourself and thus survive by not becoming a target, or you stand up against bullying and refuse to join in, in which case you are bullied, harassed, victimized and scape-goated until your health is so severely impaired that you have a stress breakdown (this is a psychiatric injury, not a mental illness), take ill-health retirement, leave, find yourself unexpectedly selected for redundancy, or are unfairly dismissed.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE TARGETED?

People who are bullied find that they are:

• constantly criticized and subjected to destructive criticism (often euphemistically called constructive criticism, which is an oxymoron) -explanations and proof of achievement are ridiculed, overruled, dismissed or ignored
• forever subject to nit-picking and trivial fault-finding (the triviality is the giveaway)
• undermined, especially in front of others; false concerns are raised, or doubts are expressed over a person's performance or standard of work - however, the doubts lack substantive and quantifiable evidence, for they are only the bully's unreliable opinion and are for control, not performance enhancement
• overruled, ignored, sidelined, marginalized, ostracized
• isolated and excluded from what's happening (this makes people more vulnerable and easier to control and subjugate)
• singled out and treated differently (for example everyone else can have long lunch breaks but if they are one minute late it's a disciplinary offence)
• belittled, degraded, demeaned, ridiculed, patronized, subject to disparaging remarks
• regularly the target of offensive language, personal remarks, or inappropriate bad language
• the target of unwanted sexual behavior
• threatened, shouted at and humiliated, especially in front of others
• taunted and teased where the intention is to embarrass and humiliate
• set unrealistic goals and deadlines which are unachievable or which are changed without notice or reason or whenever they get near achieving them
• denied information or knowledge necessary for undertaking work and achieving objectives
• starved of resources, sometimes whilst others often receive more than they need
• denied support by their manager and thus find themselves working in a management vacuum
• either overloaded with work (this keeps people busy [with no time to tackle bullying] and makes it harder to achieve targets) or have all their work taken away (which is sometimes replaced with inappropriate menial jobs, photocopying, filing, making coffee)
• have their responsibility increased but their authority removed
• have their work plagiarized, stolen and copied - the bully then presents their target's work (senior management) as their own
• are given the silent treatment: the bully refuses to communicate and avoids eye contact (always an indicator of an abusive relationship); often instructions are received only via email, memos, or a succession of yellow stickies or post-it notes
• subject to excessive monitoring, supervision, micro-management, recording, snooping etc
• the subject of written complaints by other members of staff (most of whom have been coerced into fabricating allegations - the complaints are trivial, often bizarre ["He looked at me in a funny way"] and often bear striking similarity to each other, suggesting a common origin)
• forced to work long hours, often without remuneration and under threat of dismissal
• find requests for leave have unacceptable and unnecessary conditions attached, sometimes overturning previous approval. especially if the person has taken action to address bullying in the meantime
• denied annual leave, sickness leave, or - especially - compassionate leave
• when on leave, are harassed by calls at home or on holiday, often at unsocial hours
• receive unpleasant or threatening calls or are harassed with intimidating memos, notes or emails with no verbal communication, immediately prior to weekends and holidays (4pm Friday or Christmas Eve - often these are hand-delivered)
• do not have a clear job description, or have one that is exceedingly long or vague; the bully often deliberately makes the person's role unclear
• are invited to "informal" meetings which turn out to be disciplinary hearings
• are denied representation at meetings, often under threat of further disciplinary action; sometimes the bully abuses their position of power to exclude any representative who is competent to deal with bullying
• encouraged to feel guilty, and to believe they're always the one at fault
• subjected to unwarranted and unjustified verbal or written warnings
• facing unjustified disciplinary action on trivial or specious or false charges
• facing dismissal on fabricated charges or flimsy excuses, often using a trivial incident from months or years previously
• coerced into reluctant resignation, enforced redundancy, early or ill-health retirement
• denial of the right to earn your livelihood including preventing you getting another job, usually with a bad or misleading reference

Maya Angelou

J.J. Newberry was a trained federal agent, skilled in the art of deception detection. So when a witness to a shooting sat in front of him and tried to tell him that when she heard gunshots she didn't look, she just ran -- he knew she was lying.

How did Newberry reach this conclusion? The answer is by recognizing telltale signs that a person isn't being honest, like inconsistencies in a story, behavior that's different from a person's norm, or too much detail in an explanation.

While using these signs to catch a liar takes extensive training and practice, it's no longer only for authorities like Newberry. Now, the average person can become adept at identifying dishonesty, and it's not as hard as you might think. Experts tell WebMD the top 10 ways to let the truth be known.

Tip No. 1: Inconsistencies

"When you want to know if someone is lying, look for inconsistencies in what they are saying," says Newberry, who was a federal agent for 30 years and a police officer for five.

When the woman he was questioning said she ran and hid after hearing gunshots -- without looking -- Newberry saw the inconsistency immediately.

"There was something that just didn't fit," says Newberry. "She heard gunshots but she didn't look? I knew that was inconsistent with how a person would respond to a situation like that."

So when she wasn't paying attention, he banged on the table. She looked right at him.

"When a person hears a noise, it's a natural reaction to look toward it," Newberry tells WebMD. "I knew she heard those gunshots, looked in the direction from which they came, saw the shooter, and then ran."

Sure enough, he was right.

"Her story was just illogical," says Newberry. "And that's what you should look for when you're talking to someone who isn't being truthful. Are there inconsistencies that just don't fit?"

Tip No. 2: Ask the Unexpected

"About 4% of people are accomplished liars and they can do it well," says Newberry. "But because there are no Pinocchio responses to a lie, you have to catch them in it."

Sir Walter Scott put it best: "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" But how can you a catch a person in his own web of lies?

"Watch them carefully," says Newberry. "And then when they don't expect it, ask them one question that they are not prepared to answer to trip them up."

Behavior Changes and Gut Reactions

Tip No. 3: Gauge Against a Baseline

"One of the most important indicators of dishonesty is changes in behavior," says Maureen O'Sullivan, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco. "You want to pay attention to someone who is generally anxious, but now looks calm. Or, someone who is generally calm but now looks anxious."

The trick, explains O'Sullivan, is to gauge their behavior against a baseline. Is a person's behavior falling away from how they would normally act? If it is, that could mean that something is up.

Tip No. 4: Look for Insincere Emotions

"Most people can't fake smile," says O'Sullivan. "The timing will be wrong, it will be held too long, or it will be blended with other things. Maybe itwill be a combination of an angry face with a smile; you can tell because their lips are smaller and less full than in a sincere smile."

These fake emotions are a good indicator that something has gone afoul.

Tip No. 5: Pay Attention to Gut Reactions

"People say, 'Oh, it was a gut reaction or women's intuition,' but what I think they are picking up on are the deviations of true emotions," O'Sullivan tells WebMD.

While an average person might not know what it is he's seeing when he thinks someone isn't being honest and attribute his suspicion to instinct, a scientist would be able to pinpoint it exactly -- which leads us to tip no. 6.

Tip No. 6: Watch for Micro-expressions

When Joe Schmo has a gut feeling, Paul Ekman, a renowned expert in lie detection, sees micro-expressions.

"A micro-expression is a very brief expression, usually about a 25th of a second, that is always a concealed emotion," says Ekman, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California Medical School in San Francisco.

So when a person is acting happy, but in actuality is really upset about something, for instance, his true emotion will be revealed in a subconscious flash of anger on his face. Whether the concealed emotion is fear, anger, happiness, or jealousy, that feeling will appear on the face in the blink of an eye. The trick is to see it.

"Almost everyone -- 99% of those we've tested in about 10,000 people -- won't see them," says Ekman. "But it can be taught."

In fact, in less than an hour, the average person can learn to see micro-expressions.

Contradictions and Too Much Detail

Tip No. 7: Look for Contradictions

"The general rule is anything that a person does with their voice or their gesture that doesn't fit the words they are saying can indicate a lie," says Ekman. "For example, this is going to sound amazing, but it is true. Sometimes when people are lying and saying, 'Yes, she's the one that took the money,' they will without knowing it make a slight head shake 'no.' That's a gesture and it completely contradicts what they're saying in words."

These contradictions, explains Ekman, can be between the voice and the words, the gesture and the voice, the gesture and the words, or the face and the words.

"It's some aspect of demeanor that is contradicting another aspect," Ekman tells WebMD.

Tip No. 8: A Sense of Unease

"When someone isn't making eye contact and that's against how they normally act, it can mean they're not being honest," says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice. "They look away, they're sweating, they look uneasy ... anything that isn't normal and indicates anxiety."

Tip No. 9: Too Much Detail

"When you say to someone, 'Oh, where were you?' and they say, 'I went to the store and I needed to get eggs and milk and sugar and I almost hit a dog so I had to go slow,' and on and on, they're giving you too much detail," says Berman.

Too much detail could mean they've put a lot of thought into how they're going to get out of a situation and they've crafted a complicated lie as a solution.

Tip No. 10: Don't Ignore the Truth

"It's more important to recognize when someone is telling the truth than telling a lie because people can look like they're lying but be telling truth," says Newberry.

While it sounds confusing, finding the truth buried under a lie can sometimes help find the answer to an important question: Why is a person lying?

These 10 truth tips, experts agree, all help detect deception. What they don't do is tell you why a person is lying and what the lie means.

"Micro-expressions don't tell you the reason," says Ekman. "They just tell you what the concealed emotion is and that there is an emotion being concealed."

When you think someone islying, you have to either know the person well enough to understand why he or she might lie, or be a people expert.

"You can see a micro-expression, but you have to have more social-emotional intelligence on people to use it accurately," says O'Sullivan. "You have to be a good judge of people to understand what it means."

Extra Tip: Be Trusting

"In general we have a choice about which stance we take in life," says Ekman. "If we take a suspicious stance life is not going to be too pleasant, but we won't get mislead very often. If we take a trusting stance, life is going to be a lot more pleasant but sometimes we are going to be taken in. As a parent or a friend, you're much better off being trusting rather than looking for lies all the time."

SOURCES: Jenn Berman, PhD, psychologist, private practice, Beverly Hills, Calif. Paul Ekman, PhD, professor emeritus of psychology, University of California Medical School, San Francisco. J.J. Newberry, senior special agent (retired), U.S.Treasury Department; instructor, Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department Training Academy and Los Medanos College Police Academy. Maureen O'Sullivan, PhD, professor of psychology, University of San Francisco.