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June 25 Taking Care of YOUThere are many things in our lives that require us taking a moment to take care of ourselves. Whether it's the death of a loved one, a major move, losing a job or starting a new one, a car accident, a terminal illness or the acknowledgement of our own abuse; it's in those darkest moments that we learn to give ourselves comfort.
How we choose to do that is different for all of us.
When I am worried or stressed, I clean! There is something therapeutic about sweeping, scrubbing and dusting the cobwebs away that clears the cobwebs from my mind too. In extreme stress, I have cleaned out closets and drawers and attics and even the crawl space under my house, sorting and getting rid of things I didn't need or use anymore ... donating some things to charity, selling some things on EBay, giving some things to my children ... just clearing out! Before you call me to come clean your house too, I must say that there were also other times when I didn't have any energy at all ... where I just wanted to snuggle into my pillows, pile on the comforters and hide from the world!
I've asked other people what they do to comfort themselves, and we have come up with quite a list ...
Gosh! You can see from that list that the choices are endless and some of them are better for you than others.
What do you do to comfort yourself? Some of us have gotten by in life by using things that may have felt good at the time but they really only added to our problems:
These things use what little energy you have to take even more energy away from you. Some of those choices can even open you up to more hurt, creating more drama in your life and leaving you unable to cope with what's really going on. They actually stop you from finding real solutions to your problems.
The only way out of any situation is to walk THROUGH it.
You are where you are. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel confused. It's okay to feel hopeless. We do more harm to ourselves by fighting those emotions than we would do if we just felt them. It's not fun and it's not easy. If any of those feelings become too much for you to bear alone, talk to someone. Get help. In fact, if we are talking about something here that is too much for you, it is perfectly okay for you to stop reading and walk away for a moment. Come back when you are ready. Take that moment to do something for you that brings you comfort. I want to share an amazing truth with you:
When our hearts are stretched by deep grief or loss, our hearts are also stretched to receive a deeper love and a deeper joy than any we have ever known before this time! That's not a fairy tale promise or a pipe dream! I know it's true because I lived it. I didn't believe it when I first heard it, but one day at a time, the deep hurt began to be replaced by a deeper understanding of myself and the people around me. With that, I found forgiveness for myself and others. That brought a deeper peace. That opened the way for a more meaningful life on all levels. I'm sharing that with you now because even though things look dark now, there is hope. We're going to look at some difficult things and some topics that might make you feel a little uncomfortable but ...
There is hope. We can learn from each other. We can support each other. It's okay to feel hurt and anger and sadness and grief and loss but it's also okay to have hope. There will be times when you discover something about yourself that you never knew before. You will learn about your strengths. You will feel good when you learn something that helps you take better care of yourself and your children. I am talking about getting support and giving yourself comfort first because there will also be times when you will feel overwhelmed. There may be times you want to just give up. There will be times that you are just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired. There will be times where you will have to take a moment to ... TAKE CARE OF YOU.
June 23 YOU Are A GOOD Person ...... who has found yourself in a bad place, but you are doing something about it.
You admitted to at least one person that you are being abused! Are you afraid to think about what might happen next? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Do you think it would help if you had more time to think? While you're trying to figure out what you want, I have a few questions you might want to ask yourself too ... What makes you feel good about yourself? What have other people said or done that made you feel good about yourself? What have other people said or done that made you feel bad about yourself? Have there been times in your life when you felt better about yourself than at other times? Why do you think that is? How much do you care about what other people think about you? Does someone else's opinion of you mean more to you than your opinion of yourself? How do you think abuse has effected your self esteem? Is there something you could do today to make you feel better about yourself? Before I read that it was actually helpful to engage in positive self-talk, I had an idea. If most of my friends feel like they can turn to me when they are in trouble and I give good advice to them, why can't I be as loving with myself? I pretended that my problems were not mine but my best friends ... If my friend were in trouble, I'd talk to them or write them a letter. I'd tell them I loved them and how much I cared for them and try to encourage them. I wrote myself the following letter: Dear Taylor, I am going to write you as if you were my friend, and not, in fact, myself. I know where you are at. I watched you fall. I saw you cry when no one else did. I want you to know that I forgive you for hurting me, Taylor. You made a few mistakes. So what? I'm not disappointed in you. They reminded you that you are only human. As many things as you have accomplished in your life, it didn't hurt for you to be humbled. I know it hurts for people to see you falling apart. I know it's embarrassing. Don't hide from the truth! Face it! Face every one of those silly fears! Be brave. Your fears can't hurt you. YOU can make them go away, one by one! It seems like the biggest burden that you carry is the love you feel for the unlovable. You want so badly to help and change and fix. Have you forgotten that only God can help and change and fix? Sometimes, He uses you. Sometimes, He puts that person on your heart for only a little while, so you can pray. Release them. Sometimes, He lets you walk with them through a trouble spot to remind them that they are not alone. Let them go. Other times, He has allowed you to open your heart to exactly the kind of person YOU needed to meet. Learn the lesson. Which lesson? The one where you give EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT in the hopes that SOMEONE WILL WANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOU ... where you stop being who you are to be who you think they want you to be. Don't you think it's odd that you can be in a room of 100 men, and instinctively, you find the one who needs you most? They always need YOU, but did YOU ever really NEED them? Were most of the men in your life the kind of person who could take care of you, to begin with? From the very start, you want to believe in them, and they set out to prove to you why you shouldn't, couldn't and wouldn't if you were in any other kind of relationship with them! Sprinkle a little romance dust over a scoundrel and you will bite every time! I'm not putting you down, but it has gotten to be down right comical, don't you think? Taylor, it's like you jump into the deep end of the lake to save someone who can't swim, and they always end up pulling you down, because in romantic relationships, you are not a strong swimmer! You never have been! If you are going to keep playing in the deep water, we need to get you swimming lessons! We need to develop some skills that will make you look before you leap. I don't want you to get so hurt anymore. I want you to protect yourself, because if you don't, who will? Before I sign out, I want to say one more thing. I am proud of you! I know this isn't easy. I know you want to give up. I know you are hurting. I know you are afraid. I also know you are VERY BRAVE! Sometimes, you have the courage of ten people, especially when you are defending someone else! It's time for you to defend yourself! If you don't, who will? Take care Darlin! June 22 Getting The SUPPORT You NeedEven as I write, I know that there are some of you who read this and you are saying to yourself: Our relationship isn't perfect and he gets mad a lot but we have to understand that ... He's been under a lot of pressure He's been having problems at work He had a tough childhood He hasn't been feeling well lately He worries about money He only gets that way when he drinks It's my fault because I don't pay him enough attention It's my fault because I spend too much money It's my fault because I never have supper ready fast enough Sweetheart ... Those are the excuses he gives you, but they aren't true. Other men get crabby, worried, anxious, nervous, hungry, hot, sleepy and even drunk without taking it out on everyone else! I also know that some of you will read what happens to other women and say ... "Well, you see there, My guy gets mad once in a while but he'd never do ... (the one bad thing in the other person's story like rape, send to the emergency room, beat, burn, kill)" ... But deep down, there is another part of you that whispers ...
"He hasn't done that YET." You will justify his behavior, make excuses for him, cover marks with make-up, wear sunglasses so people can't see that you have been crying or that you have a black eye, kill yourself to try to do everything perfect so he won't have a reason to get mad again, walk on eggshells, not talk to any men so that he won't get jealous ... for as long as you can ... and one day, you'll look at yourself in the mirror and wonder, "Why am I doing this?" Then what? Who do you talk to? That's not always an easy choice. Your dearest friends and your closest relatives might not understand. They might be in denial about their own relationships. They might like pretending such things don't happen. It's okay. You have felt that way yourself! But now, you don't have a choice! You know it happens. You have lived it and an important part of your recovery is talking about what happened and not having to worry about offending anyone while you talk. I chose my people carefully. Most people won't know what to say. They will want to help you. It's okay to let them know ahead of time that you don't expect them to come up with any answers ... that it would help you if they would listen so you could get some things off your chest. How Can I Help My Daughter, Sister, Or Friend Who Is Being Abused?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? (from the book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft)
June 21 There Are RED FLAGS And Warning SignsYou know what people say about hindsight being 20/20? After being in recovery for almost 3 years, I can look back at my experience with much more clarity and much less confusion that when I was still "under the spell" ... Even after I was free of his direct influence, his manipulative ideas and abusive statements continued to effect my judgment. I missed red flags and ignored warning signs for years.
Let's Talk About Those RED FLAGS !!!
Abuse doesn't start with physical violence. An abuser can do just as much damage and establish "his control" by tearing away at your mind and spirit before he ever harms your body. In the September, 2004 issue of OPRAH Magazine, toward the back is an article about abuse:
The article in the magazine says ... THESE MEN DON'T COME WITH WARNING LABELS ... That's the TRUTH!!! But that list of red flags is a good place to start! Another book breaks down the abuse: LOVING HIM WITHOUT LOSING YOU Ms. Engel breaks down the various forms of abuse and the effect of that abuse. Emotional Abuse There are many ways of being abused without anyone laying a hand on you. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. Whether it is done by constant berating or belittling, by intimidation, by manipulation, or under the guise of "guidance" or "teaching", the results are similar. Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value. Domination Those who have a need to dominate have to have their own way - insisting on making all the decisions, not allowing the other person to have an opinion or speak their mind. Men who dominate also need to be in charge, and because of this they often try to control their partner's every action. Unreasonable Expectations When your partner's needs and expectations are unreasonable, you can never win. It is unreasonable for a man to expect that you will put everything aside to satisfy his every whim. It is unreasonable for someone to expect that you will put up with selfishness, constant demands, and ingratitude indefinitely. The more you give him, the more permission you give him to find fault in you! Verbal Abuse This behavior involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name-calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. It is extremely damaging to your self-esteem and self-image. Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal. Blaming A blamer is a person who automatically assumes that whenever something goes wrong it is someone else's fault. This person never admits to being responsible for something or for doing something wrong. He will always justify or rationalize his behavior by trying to convince you that his behavior is an understandable reaction to some deficiency in you, or that he was provoked into doing it by something you did ... Women with a damaged sense of self are especially susceptible to men who blame because they tend to blame themselves so much. It's almost automatic to look to herself first as the cause of problems in her relationships. She is the first to acknowledge her faults and shortcomings and to admit any mistakes she may have made. This gives a blamer ample ammunition to use against her in the future. The next time there is a disagreement, he will bring up her vulnerable as the reasons for his poor behavior. Constant Criticism When someone continuously finds fault, can never be pleased, and is unrelentingly critical of you, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. This type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of worth. Eventually you become convinced that nothing you do is worthwhile, and you may feel like giving up. Emotional Blackmail Emotional Blackmail is one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. It occurs when someone either consciously or unconsciously coerces other people into doing what he wants by playing on their fear, guilt, or compassion. Women, in particular, are easily exploited because they tend to place others' wishes and feelings ahead of their own. You are being emotionally blackmailed when a man threatens to end a relationship if you don't give him what he wants,or when he rejects you or distances himself from you until you give in to his demands. If your partner gives you the "cold shoulder" whenever he is displeased with you, threatens to leave you, or uses other fear tactics to get you under his control, he is using the tactic of emotional blackmail.
True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:
Don't allow your partner to
Verbal abuse includes calling you derogatory names (bitch, whore) or telling you are stupid, ugly, fat or insane.
If you are being abused, it's important that you get help ... from wherever you can! You are NOT the one with the problem. He is. No one deserves to be abused, no matter what. You didn't do one thing to cause him to be an abuser. Men who abuse are what they are. Nothing you do or don't do will change him unless he wants to, and few of them ever want to change because they don't think they are the ones with the problem! 15 minutes after he calls you a name ... 15 minutes after he belittles you ... 15 minutes after he hits you, he's already convinced himself that you deserved it and it's all YOUR fault!!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. June 20 Abuse HappensAbuse is like a weed ... The only way to get rid of it for good is to pull it out by the root!
There are a lot of goofy ideas floating around about victims of abuse ...
MYTHS ABOUT VICTIMS:
I could say a great big loud ...
"OH REALLY?" ... because the truth is that anyone can be abused. It begins slowly ... and before the person knows it, their relationship and their life is spinning out of control ... Most of us have a powerful need to believe that we could never love someone who could hurt us this much. No one wants to believe that anyone could purposely hurt them, so the victim makes excuses, downplays the mean comments ... or even pretends nothing is wrong ... But little by little, their self-esteem suffers, they lose their confidence, they might overcompensate ... going way out of their way to pacify the abuser, they might try to fight back, or they might even try to get away ... but when nothing they try seems to work, they might even start to wonder if it's them that's crazy! If you think you can spot a victim from a mile away, you might be surprised! Victims are tall, short, skinny, fat, old, young, rich, poor, educated, illiterate, blue collar, white collar ... and no matter where they come from and what their story is, they DO NOT DESERVE what's happening to them. What abusers and their victims do deserve is your COMPASSION. Their path was set a long time before they ever even met each other. In fact, each probably felt comfortable with one another, in the first place, because they both were reminded of someone they already knew ... We all make relationship choices, based on past experience ... the DISTANT past. I have heard it so many times, it must be true, that we choose people who tend to be a lot like the parent we had the most trouble with when we were growing up. It's like, one way or another, we are looking for resolution to those conflicts from so long ago. Children learn what to expect from the rest of the world by the way they are treated at home. Those early lessons stay with us for the rest of our lives ... even if they are wrong. If You are the victim, you might need time to think. I know how much you wish you could go back to the beginning and start all over ... but you can't. There is only one first kiss! You are where you are. Take a deep breath. There are myths about the abuser too ... The myths are still just excuses, and there is no good excuse for such a bad thing. I read this book ... The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can't control and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away. In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won't notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he THINKS. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won't even notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness. Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame. The mythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been created largely by the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoct explanations for their actions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergymen, relatives, and social researchers. But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyze and account for their own problems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell us why he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly? When we hear excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that - excuses. So why should we let angry and controlling men be the authority on partner abuse? Our first task, therefore, is to remove the abusive man's smoke and mirrors, and then set about watching carefully to see what he is really doing. MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS (his excuses)
The abuser's mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like the oil from a drum. When he is in this mode, NOTHING she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. She will find yourself feeling like she just can't seem to do anything right. When he is mad at you, does he react by throwing things, punching doors, or kicking the cat? Does he use violent gestures such as gnashing teeth, ripping at his clothes, or swinging his arms around in the air to show his rage? Have you been frightened when he does those things? Is he willing to take responsibility for those behaviors and agree to stop them, or does he justify them angrily? Can he hear you when you say that those bad behaviors frighten you, or does he throw the subject back on you, saying that you cause his behaviors, so it's your own problem if you're scared? Does he attempt to use his scary behaviors as bargaining chips, such as saying that he won't punch walls if you are willing to stop going out with your friends? Does he deny that he even engaged in the scary behaviors, such as claiming that a broken door was caused by somebody else or that you are making up or exaggerating what happened? Does he ever make veiled threats, such as "You don't want to see me mad," or "you don't know who you are messing with"? Is he severely verbally abusive? Research studies indicate that the BEST behavioral predictor of which men will become violent to their partners is THEIR LEVEL OF VERBAL ABUSE.
The symptoms of abuse are there, and the victim usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way. His grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break the patterns of ups and downs. Victims don't really need an "expert" on abuse to explain their life to them; what they do need above all is some support and encouragement to hold on to their own truth. The abuser wants to deny their victim that experience. He wants to pluck her view of reality out of her head and replace it with his reality. When someone has invaded the victim's identity in this way enough times, the victim naturally starts to lose her balance. But they can find their way back to center. Mr. Lundy's book has so much good information. Even now, I find myself reading different parts of it. These aren't just lists ... they are signs ... things to look for. If you are living this life, things are pretty bad ... and as scary as it might be to think about, things could even get worse. Please take care of yourself. June 19 Sometimes, It's Good To Look At Where We Have Been ...... So We Can See How Far We Have Come!
I was inspired eight months ago! I started keeping a journal about the things I am learning in recovery from the effects of domestic violence, but along the way, I learned that recovery from domestic violence is the same as recovery from drugs or alcohol or anything else that is taking over your life.
I remember ...
I served my time in hell. I fought my way out. I did the work. I SURVIVED. I got past the abuse by moving forward ... through the dark to the other side. I was blessed to have the support of really good people that believed in me. One of the most supportive people then and now was Joey. He never let me give up. He came to me as a friend ... my BEST friend ... and after years apart, we married for the second time! Choosing to walk with someone through such a dark place is a story in itself and I will share that part of the story with you later. I promise. I am mentioning it now because neither of us would want anyone to think that Joey was the man who abused me! When I decided to make my story public to reach more people, Joey and I talked about things that were important to us. We agreed that what we have learned could help other people who are still out there. I know you are out there. I know you are scared. I know you don't know what to do. I know he or she tells you that you are no good. He or she blames you ... that everything is all your fault. I know that he or she keeps everything so confusing that sometimes you don't know which way is up. I know it feels like being lost in the dark.
There is a way out!
Take Care Of YOU!
June 18 Happy Fathers DayWhile fixing and delivering breakfast in bed to the man who has been more of a father than a step-father to my four children, I thought about the FATHERS in my life ... My relationship with my real father has always been complicated. He was the first difficult man I ever knew ... He had his own issues, a crummy childhood with an abusive, alcoholic father, my father felt best when he controlled his world and the people in it. I have never been easily controlled. From the moment I expressed independent thought, I was a challenge to him. I asked too many questions, pushed too many limits, broke too many rules. The more rules I broke, the more rules Dad created. I honored the rules that made sense and questioned the ones that didn't. He hated that and still doesn't like being questioned. He is a true Patriarch. He calls the shots. I was the oldest of 10 children. With a crowd like that, being the oldest meant being the leader whether I wanted to be or not. I hated the words, "You need to be a good example to the younger children" but I accepted the duty most of the time. I didn't like feeling like the "third parent" ... but being a "protector" and a "guide" are as much a part of who I am now as "hazel eyes" or an "easy smile" ... Standing up to my father when I thought he was wrong or unfair conditioned me for all the other things that happened in my life that have been wrong or unfair. It planted strength deep in my spirit, tucking it away for moments when I needed it, and I have needed it. At those times when I showed the most strength or the most courage, my Mom would say, "You are so much like your Dad." We are alike. "Protector" and "Guide" can feel different than "Controlling Patriarch Ruler" to Dad and me but the actions can look the same to someone else. My Dad has mellowed with age. He has been disappointed by the outcomes of his advice ... and in recent years, he has even said, "I didn't know ..." when family crisis included legal battles or medical problems that exceeded the realm of Dad's experience. The words "I don't know" coming from a man who pretended to know everything for all those years couldn't have come easily. Trying and wishing and hoping for being the "perfect daughter" ... for one day earning the "Daddy Seal of Approval" might have been the next generation of my own father trying and wishing and hoping for being the "perfect son" ... for one day earning the "Daddy Seal of Approval" too ... The feminine side of that coin is an easier one, if I only consider that it was okay for me to cry and a sin if Dad did. It was acceptable for me to go in search of myself ... to dissect the aspects of my personality, to ask questions, to admit confusion and weakness, to accept help from others when I lost my way in the search of me. My dad was trapped in the words, "BIG BOYS DON'T CRY" and "I AM ALWAYS RIGHT" and "NEVER QUESTION THE FATHER. I AM THE FATHER" and "MEN ARE STRONG AND MUST NEVER BE WEAK." If Dad and I were surviving the same shipwreck in the same stormy sea, my Dad was the one who clung to a piece of floating debris and I am the one who leaves the wreck and swims to shore. The storm has mostly ended. The shore is in sight. My Dad is paddling on his float and I am still swimming toward shore. It remains to be seen who will have made the best choice. But in between then and what will be, I have plenty of time to think about the other men who have been like fathers to me ... I met the man I call Pop almost 25 years ago. He had four sons and I suppose in a way, I became the daughter he never had ... We had conversations about life that he would have had with his own daughter and I wished I could have had with my own father. We were all devastated when his wife (a second mom as well) got cancer. I got in the habit of calling every week or so to check on them, visited a few times to help him take care of her, and listened to him cry when she was gone. I kept calling. We kept talking through his life and mine, he told me how proud he was of me and I would tell him how proud I was of him. We encouraged each other, advised each other and listened to the happy stories, the sad stories and all the ones in between. Pop and his sons are all men's men. They're rough and tough and macho ... and again ... being men, they don't talk about the same things Pop and I talk about, because "MEN DON'T TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS". I suppose where my own Father taught me strength, Pop taught me that even the toughest men feel very deeply about things they may never say out loud. I learned to understand men in the interactions between him and his sons. Sometimes, I just observed. Sometimes, I have been the feminine translator, the go-between. I always felt like I was doing what Mom (his wife) would have wanted me to. There were four other men who were or nearly were my FATHER-IN-LAWs ... On this day, in another time, I would have honored them ... This morning, I thought of them too ... I never met JL. Joey's Dad had passed away long before I ever met Joey. I have heard stories about him from Joey's family and from businessmen in town who knew him. I think I would have liked him. He was quite a character. He liked life and he liked having fun. One of my favorite stories is from a man who sold him insurance. JL told the insurance man he'd buy insurance from him if he'd beat JL arm wrestling! I don't think I ever heard of that business strategy, but the insurance salesman did beat him in arm wrestling and JL bought from him. Phil was polished and professional. If I close my eyes, I see him in a business suit. He was a good man from a good family and it showed in everything he did. I don't think I ever heard a bad thing come from his mouth. He was kind to every one, no matter what their station in life was, he treated them with the same kindness. I loved his bear hugs.
Choc was a wild man till the day he died. I met him when he was almost 100 years old. He was full blooded Cherokee-Choctaw Indian. He had drunk his share of firewater and lived a whole lot of life before he got married and fathered 10 children. He was tall and strong, even in his 90s. Even when he was in the hospital toward the end of his life, he strode through the halls like a healthy man half his age. He didn't look old. He looked weathered. He was unusually handsome and bigger than life. I loved listening to his stories as much as he loved telling them. He LIVED the kind of life most of us will only read about. He left this world with me wishing I could have heard just one more story ...
I met Bennie Hugh after two brain tumors and some heart problems. I'll never know the man he was before that time, but I liked the man he was when I met him. He couldn't hear real well so he didn't always participate in conversation. I noticed when too many people were talking at once, he would just stare at the tv. My grandmother used to do that too. Pretending not to be interested was easier than admitting she couldn't hear. It was too much trouble to make us all speak louder, one at a time. It was enough to be with us. She would look around the room and smile occasionally and Bennie Hugh did the same thing. They would both laugh when other people laughed ... not always getting the joke but LOVING the laughter. But in spite of all that, he took the time to show me who he was. He showed me the things that mattered in his home ... the pieces of his history ... a picture of him in his uniform and his wife back in the 40s and said, "Isn't she beautiful?" ... not wasn't, but ISN'T ... They were a handsome couple, looking like they could have walked out of a scene from Casa Blanca. The love and pride he felt for his family and his son showed in his eyes. His whole manner said, "Welcome to my family. I'm glad you're here." Choc and Bennie Hugh were closer to my Grandpa's age than my father's age. My instant affection and comfort with them was probably because of Grandpa who was part of THE GREATEST GENERATION that Tom Brokaw wrote about, "After talking to so many of them and reflecting on what they have meant in my own life, I now know that it is in those small ceremonies and quiet moments that this generation is appropriately honored. No fanfare is required. They've had their parades. They've heard the speeches. They know what they have accomplished, and they are proud. They will have their World War II memorial and their place in the ledgers of history, but no block of marble or elaborate edifice can equal their lives of sacrifice and achievement, duty and honor, as monuments to their time." Grandpa Bill was a good man who worked hard all his life and always tried to do the right thing. He worked with famous politicians and big people in our state. He had awards and plaques and recognition, but he was a husband, father and grandfather FIRST, a farmer SECOND and the rest took care of itself. He taught me and all of us that it wasn't the plaques and awards that defined us. It was our families that mattered most because we mattered most to him and he showed it. Grandpa Roy was a good man too, but he wrestled with alcohol most of his life. It made him moody and unpredictable. When he was happy, he was the most fun! When he was down, he was the meanest son-of-a-gun you could ever meet. I was his oldest granddaughter and he would always introduce me, not by my name, but as HIS OLDEST granddaughter. I lived across the street from him for a while so I got to know ALL his moods and learned to take them in stride. He visited me almost every day. I liked his visits. When he was happy, he'd stop by just to tell me a joke. When he was mad, he would stop by to tell me who he was mad at. He had a feud going with the old woman that lived next door to him. She was as crazy as Grandpa could be sometimes and they fought like children. In the summer, he would run over her flowers and she would pick his. In the winter, she would blow snow off her driveway into his on purpose and Grandpa would throw snowballs at her cat. For some reason, Grandpa would listen to me. Maybe, because I was HIS OLDEST granddaughter? Maybe, because he was making atonement for being so mean to my Dad? I don't know ... but I could always calm him down. Smoothing out the rough spots in the feud between two crazy people taught me a lot about making peace ... lol ... My friend, Tillie, was part of that GREATEST GENERATION too. He passed away this spring and he has been on my mind this morning too. He was like Pop, a surrogate father because my own father was so far away. Tillie was a combination of so many of the men I have already mentioned ... always well dressed, always kind, always ready to hug, always happy to share a joke or story, and at almost 7 feet tall, BIGGER THAN LIFE! He was a good man and many times, his wisdom was the wisdom that guided me. He believed in the basic goodness of all people. He believed that everything would always turn out okay. He lived his life that way. He made me and everyone who knew him believers in the goodness of others and the eventual fairness of life. I miss him. Today wouldn't be Father's Day without honoring him too. Joey never had children of his own, but he was there for mine. He taught them to drive, stayed up late with me and worried over them, did his best to provide for them, walked my daughters down the aisle, and is Papa Joey to all the grandkids. He was there in big ways and all the little ways in between ... and he didn't have to do any of those things. He wasn't obligated. They weren't really HIS children ... but then again, they were HIS children in all the ways that mattered most to the four of them. To all the Fathers in my life and all the Fathers in your life ... HAPPY FATHERS DAY! OH, MY PA-PA Oh, my pa-pa, to me he was so wonderful Oh, my pa-pa, to me he was so good No one could be, so gentle and so lovable Oh, my pa-pa, he always understood. Gone are the days when he could take me on his knee And with a smile he'd change my tears to laughter Oh, my pa-pa, so funny, so adorable Always the clown so funny in his way Oh, my pa-pa, to me he was so wonderful Deep in my heart I miss him so today. June 17 You Can CHEER Yourself Up!So many times, we have rested our happiness squarely on the shoulders of everyone else, but there are little things we can do for ourselves. This morning, I sat on the back porch and thought about all the things that have given my mood a lift.
I saw a little book that was titled 2000 Things You Can Do To Cheer Yourself Up. I remember flipping through the pages and smiling at some of the ideas. What if we did that? What if we really did one thing every day just for us? What would happen if we gave our self 10 minutes just for us? What if we gave our self one simple little pleasure? It wouldn't have to take a lot of time or money ... It really is the thought that counts! Here are just a few suggestions from that book ... Put your sweet tooth to work for you. Yes, go out and treat yourself to a huge banana split or a hot fudge sundae or even an old-fashioned chocolate malt. Give your eyes a little treat. Watch the moon rise over a beautiful, calm body of water. Imagine yourself feeling THAT relaxed or calm. Throw a pebble into a pond and watch the ripples. Your life is like that as it touches others and produces its own ripple effect. Make your world a little cheerier by: Planting flowers Planting a tree Pulling weeds Planting a vegetable garden Sing the blues in the shower and let the water wash your troubles away ... at least for a few relaxing minutes. If you are your own worst enemy, send loving thoughts to yourself. You may feel funny at first, but you will start to see a big difference in just a few days. Keep in mind that how you "see" the world is how it will be. Most popular ways to counteract stress: Exercise Yoga Walking Meditation Deep Breathing Music Know that there aren't any quick fixes. Learn to be patient with your heart. Spend the day acting like a tourist in your own town. Attend great art exhibits at local galleries and museums. They will be a feast for your eyes and your soul. Ask everyone you know to tell you stories about miracles in their lives. It will remind you of the miracles in your own life. Cleaning is one of the best therapies, so clean out your closet and give your old clothes to charity. Yes, giving is also good therapy! Bake bread or a nice cake and enjoy the wonderful aroma that fills your home. Keep in mind that when God closes a door, He always opens a window somewhere. On cold nights that seem a little lonely, wrap yourself up in a cozy quilt. Burn scented candles or incense to add a nice, cozy touch to your home. Read, read, read. Books can be one of the biggest contributions to the success in your life. Read a joke book or go out to a comedy club. A good laugh will do you good! Spend at least 30 minutes every day out in the fresh air. Walk a country mile on a summer's day ... OR ... Take a brisk, early morning walk to clear your head. GREAT ESCAPE ACTIVITIES: Reading romance novels, devouring a box of chocolates, traveling, getting a pet, watching action movies, window shopping. Meditate to regain your sense of peace and tranquility. It is one of the world's oldest techniques for emotional healing. When you feel stressed, calm yourself down by taking slow, deep, cleansing breaths. Invite a friend to lunch. Dine at a Chinese restaurant and believe any god news that your fortune cookie tells you! Dress up and take yourself to a nice restaurant with your favorite book for company. Make yourself freshly squeezed lemonade. (See, good things really do come out of lemonade) Meander through a country garden. Dance in the summer rain. Get close to Mother Nature. Feel the wind in your hair. Go barefoot and feel the grass between your toes. Enjoy the sun on your face. Smell the air after a summer shower. Even during your worst moments there are wonderful things happening in the world. Keep your eyes wide open to see them. Remind yourself that even with all your troubles, there are still people who would love to have your life. Keep in mind that out of pain come some of life's greatest blessings. June 14 Huckleberry Season In The RockiesHUCKLEBERRY (Artist: Toby Keith, Album: Unleashed) Just off of the two-lane where the school bus used to stop Was a little wooden a-frame with a yellow tin roof top One day it was raining on this world She said ’have you ever really, really ever kissed a girl? ’ Baby I’ll be your huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me If the storm gets wild and scary count on me to be right there You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries We’ll grow up and we’ll get married I’m gonna be your huckleberry Later on that summer we went to the county fair They had a brand new roller coaster and everyone was scared It was two bucks to experience the thrill She said ’come on boy let’s get in line I’ll ride it if you will’ Baby I’ll be your huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me If the ride gets wild and scary count on me to be right there You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries We’ll grow up and we’ll get married I’m gonna be your huckleberry Snuck off on a slow dance at the junior/senior prom Went lookin’ for some romance before I had to get her home Steamin’ up the windows of my car She said ’until I get my wedding ring boy we can’t go that far’ Baby I’ll be your huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me If the world gets wild and scary count on me to be right there You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries We grew up and we got married Now look at those three little huckleberries [Q] “What is the origin of the expression ‘I’ll be your Huckleberry’? What exactly does it mean?” [A] What it means is easy enough. To be one’s huckleberry—usually as the phrase I’m your huckleberry—is to be just the right person for a given job, or a willing executor of some commission. Where it comes from needs a bit more explaining. First a bit of botanical history. When European settlers arrived in the New World, they found several plants that provided small, dark-coloured sweet berries. They reminded them of the English bilberry and similar fruits and they gave them one of the dialect terms they knew for them, hurtleberry, whose origin is unknown (though some say it has something to do with hurt, from the bruised color of the berries; a related British dialect form is whortleberry). Very early on—at the latest 1670—this was corrupted to huckleberry. As huckleberries are small, dark and rather insignificant, in the early part of the nineteenth century the word became a synonym for something humble or minor, or a tiny amount. An example from 1832: “He was within a huckleberry of being smothered to death”. Later on it came to mean somebody inconsequential. Mark Twain borrowed some aspects of these ideas to name his famous character, Huckleberry Finn. His idea, as he told an interviewer in 1895, was to establish that he was a boy “of lower extraction or degree” than Tom Sawyer. Quite how I’m your huckleberry came out of all that with the sense of the man for the job isn’t obvious. It seems that the word came to be given as a mark of affection or comradeship to one’s partner or sidekick. There is often an identification of oneself as a willing helper or assistant about it, as here in True to Himself, by Edward Stratemeyer, dated 1900: “ ‘I will pay you for whatever you do for me.’ ‘Then I’m your huckleberry. Who are you and what do you want to know?’ ”. Despite the obvious associations, it doesn’t seem to derive directly from Mark Twain’s books. Short question, long answer! Often confused with the blueberry due to its close resemblance, huckleberries are a wild blue-black berry. Although very similar in taste, the big difference is the seeds within the huckleberry that give it a crunchy texture when fresh and its thicker skin. The flavor is a little more tart than blueberries, with an intense blueberry flavor. Huckleberries are not cultivated commercially, so you will have to find them in the wild. The entire fruit is edible...no need to remove the seeds. Huckleberries can be used interchangeably in most blueberry recipes, so if you find yourself with a huckleberry harvest, just choose a blueberry recipe and give it a whirl. Huckleberry season is normally from June through August. To harvest a large quantity, spread a clean cloth on the ground and shake the plant; ripe fruits will drop onto the cloth. Store at temperatures just above freezing with high humidity. Here are some selected recipes on using huckleberries. Enjoy! Ingredients Instructions Credits Ingredients Instructions Yield: 4 servings Credits Instructions Topping 1/3 cup butter or margarine Melt butter in a saucepan. Combine sugar and flour and add to butter. Cook, stirring constantly over low heat for 3 minutes. Add cornflakes mixing quickly until they are coated with syrup. Sprinkle over the huckleberry mixture and bake at 400 degrees F. for 30 minutes or until topping is crisp and golden brown. Serve warm or cold. Credits Instructions In saucepan, combine the Huckleberries, Sugar, Water, Cornstarch and bring to a boil. Cook until thickened. Pour on top of the cream mixture. Whip the Cream and spread on top of cooled pie. Top with fresh Huckleberries. June 13 GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANTI have seen couples take a marriage or relationship on the brink of break-up, and transform it into something stronger and more fulfilling than ever. I have seen couples take an essentially good relationship and find a way through the places they get stuck. I have seen couples with no complaints about their relationship use the tools to move into a level of connection, intimacy and personal healing and growth beyond anything they could imagine. I also have used them in work and other relationships as well. I find that they have helped me and many other men and women become more conscious, more intentional , more connected, more ourselves . . . . in our relationships and in other aspects of our lives. It is a powerful set of tools and a path for all of us to create a better and safer world for all people. What does the word, Imago, mean? So essentially as human beings, we take in what love feels like, sounds like from our parents and other adults who are significant in our life. Some images of familiar love may include fun-loving and free spirited, emotionally unavailable, preoccupied or stressed, ignoring, or interested and encouraging. What's also important about this image of familiar love is that as we grow up in our families, we learn very quickly how we need to act and be in order to get love or approval and to feel safe. So we develop what we call survival patterns. While you can read more in depth examples in our couples examples, a quick example might be for someone who had a smothering parent, their survival pattern might include never getting too close to someone (because they feel like they will disappear, they can't be a separate person, etc.). For someone who had a critical parent, they might learn to survive by becoming a perfectionist, or becoming very rigid about how everything needs to be done and how everyone needs to be to be OK. You get the basic idea. The Imago and who we are attracted to:
Why would we ever want someone who is a combination of the positives and negatives of adults in our childhoods?
Our healing and growth as individuals and as a species. What are you talking about?
So what does this mean for couples, or other relationships?
What if I've just picked someone that's incompatible with me?
So what is Imago Relationship Therapy?
How is a session with a certified Imago therapist different from any other therapy?
How do I get Imago Relationship Therapy?
Who developed Imago Relationship Therapy? Imago Relationship Therapy was developed primarily by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. in the 1980's. It was added to and significantly enriched by contributions of a core of Master Trainers; Maya Kollman, Sunny Shulkin, Pat Love, Joyce Buckner, and Bruce Crapuchettes. Harville, Helen, the Master Trainers, and now many more therapists continue to refine and expand the theory and process, keeping it true to the original core theory and process. The Getting the Love You Want workshops were developed, then Keeping the Love You Find (for singles) and now work is being done to create workshops and advanced training for Imago therapists in teaching couples and individuals how to use these principles in parenting their own children.
Are You Going through a Stage?
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Minestrone Soup For The Soul
I'm gonna make you Minestrone ...
I'm gonna show you everything ... everything
The secrets, discovered so far ... are ...
MAMA TAYLOR'S MINESTRONE
1 pound Ground Chuck
1 bunch Celery, cleaned and diced
1 pkg. Bear Creek Soup Mix (see buying information below)
1 tsp. Instant Beef Bouillon
1 can Veg-All, drained
1 can Kidney Beans, drained (can use two cans)
1 can Black Olives, sliced & drained
1 can Diced Tomatoes
4 cups Water
Directions:
Brown hamburger meat and sausage in large fry pan, breaking the meat up as it cooks.
While the meat is browning, put the liquid (water and juice) in the soup pot and bring to a boil. Clean, slice and chop the celery. When the liquid has come to a boil, add the Bear Creek Soup Mix, the bouillon and the celery and let it boil for 3-5 minutes. Turn the heat down to medium and drain and add Veg-All, Corn, Kidney Beans and Black Olives. Stir together and add diced tomatoes and tomato sauce.
Put the browned meat in a colander and rinse under very hot water for 2-3 minutes to get rid of excess grease. Shake the colander to get rid of any extra water and add to soup.
Stir everything together and cook at medium to medium low (depends on the stove) for about an hour. The point is for the flavors to blend.
Serves:
This will make 12-14 cups of soup so it's great, hearty soup for a crowd, served with home-made bread and a salad. If you don't have a crowd, don't worry! This freezes VERY well, and is even better reheated! I freeze in 1-1/2 cup containers. I take it from the freezer straight to the microwave, cooking on regular setting for 5-6 minutes for one bowl or 8-10 minutes for two servings.
Variations:
If there is something you don't like, leave it out ... Other ingredients you might like are potatoes, onions, cabbage, carrots, green beans or zucchini. There are no wrong answers ... Minestrone is like a really cuddly patchwork quilt ... in that it can be totally designed by you!
Bear Creek Soup Mixes are sold in grocery stores here, but they might not be available everywhere, so I found their web-site:
http://www.bearcreekfoods.com/products.html or
Products: Bear Creek Country Kitchen
They sell packaged dry soups that really only need water but I use the large package for flavoring more than anything else.
If the link doesn't work:
Bear Creek Country Kitchen
325 W. 600 S., Heber City, UT 84032
800/343-7252 (toll free)
My family prefers HEARTY soups with lots of meat and vegetables and this is certainly that!
Variations and Creativity are part of the charm!
History:
( From Wikipedia - Minestrone - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia )
Minestrone (meaning simply "dish", from Latin MINESTRARE = "to serve or dish up") is an Italian soup made with fresh seasonal vegetables, often with the addition of pasta or rice. Common ingredients include beans, onions, celery, carrots, stock, and tomatoes.
There is not a set recipe for minestrone, since it is usually made out of whatever vegetables are in season. It can be vegetarian, contain meat, or contain a meat-based soup base (such as chicken stock). In fact the word "minestrone" has become a synonym for "hodgepodge".
The Italian soup, minestrone, is one of the cornerstones of Italian cuisine, and is probably more widely dispersed and eaten throughout Italy than pasta. Minestrone distinguishes itself by the large quantity of fresh vegetables used and its thick consistency.
Minestrone originally was a very humble dish - again being made primarily with left-overs - and more or less was intended for an everyday consumption with the idea of being filling and cheap as opposed to being made for a special occasion such as marriage or a celebration. It would likely have been the main course of a meal. Minestrone is part of what is known in Italy as "cucina povera" - literally "poor kitchen" meaning poorer people's cuisine.
Due to its unique origins, there is neither a fixed recipe, nor is it particularly similar across Italy, as it varies depending on traditional cooking times, ingredients, and season. Minestrone ranges from a thick and dense texture with very boiled-down vegetables, to a more brothy soup with large quantities of diced and lightly-cooked vegetables that may include meats.
Like many Italian dishes, minestrone was probably originally not a dish made for its own sake, though this point is argued. In other words, whereas one might set about killing a rabbit, with the intention of then eating cooked rabbit, one did not gather the ingredients of minestrone with the intention of making minestrone. The ingredients were pooled from ingredients of other dishes, often side dishes or "contorni" plus whatever was left over.
As eating habits and ingredients changed in Italy, so did minestrone. The Roman army is said to have marched on minestrone and pasta faggioli (or beans and pasta), the former making use of local and seasonal ingredients, the latter due to the long-life of dried goods.
The introduction of new ingredients from the Americas in the Middle Ages, including tomatoes and potatoes, also changed the soup to the point that tomatoes are now considered a staple ingredient (though the quantity used varies from northern to southern Italy).
There are two schools of thought on when the recipe for minestrone became more formalized. One argues that in the 1600's and 1700's minestrone emerged as a soup using exclusively fresh vegetables and was made for its own sake (meaning it no longer relied on left-overs), while the other school of thought argues that the dish had always been prepared exclusively with fresh vegetables for its own sake since pre-Roman times, but the name minestrone which lost its meaning of being made with left-overs and came to be associated with the dish in the 18th and 19th centuries. The earliest etymology of the modern use of minestrone dates to the 18th and 19th centuries.
Either way, minestrone has evolved into becoming a dish made for its own sake and is now often consumed as a starter dish and not the main course.
It is worth noting that while in English, there is mainly one word for soup: in Italian, there are three: zuppa, which is used in the sense of tomato soup, or fish soup; minestra, which is used in the sense of a more substantial soup such as a vegetable soup; and minestrone, which means a very substantial or large soup, though the meaning has now come to be associated with this particular dish.
Resting On The Edge Of The Most Beautiful Dream
For some reason,
a cool, quiet house at the end of the long day
conjures up the sweetest memories
and
the gentlest music plays in my mind ...
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME
Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me
Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me
Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me
Stars shining up above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me
Yes, dream a little dream of me
Sweet Dreams!
Celebrate Life
It happens with regularity and yet each time it does I am still amazed. Each time I help someone it seems that I also benefit! This most recent demonstration of ripple-effect goodness took place in March as I struggled and reflected on a problem. A grieving mother needed help. She was depressed and had a problem regarding the loss of her son.
Now many of us have lost a loved one. My only son was killed at age 17. It shook my world so badly that I never thought I could ever regain my balance. So it seemed ideal that I should try to help another mom because I had a full understanding of the problem.
This lady was depressed and becoming very anxious as the birthday of her deceased child drew nearer. How could she get through this difficult time? Well when she wrote to me it was only weeks before my own son's birthday. My past handling of this problem for eleven years has been poor! I ran from the pain, kept very busy and tried not to think about it. I cried off and on through out the birthday.
Now I was being called on to help someone else so I had to examine the problem more objectively.
Suddenly and with great ease an idea came to me. The answer seemed so obvious. I suggested that she needed to celebrate the life of her child. (Yes we both did!) We needed to focus on the time that we had shared with them, on the laughter and sunshine they had brought into our lives. So my next problem was to come up with some suggestions for celebrating the life of her son.
I provided her with a list of nine ideas, ways for celebrating this upcoming birthday. But things didn't stop there.
I began thinking about that short list of ideas and wished it had been longer. I decided to call on the troops! I mailed out forty letters to friends asking them for their ideas. Within two days, my list of nine had grown to fifty. Some people sent in one idea, some four or five. The suggestions ranged from simple to elaborate. There were ideas that involved gardening, butterflies, baseball, gifts for others and service to others. The list was marvelous! I became excited each time I brought in the mail because even after I put it all together, more ideas trickled in!
I didn't realize what an effect all this was going to have on me until a couple of days later.
My husband and I were getting ready for a big book launching celebration and the museum where it was to be held scheduled it for April 3, the birthday of my son. I met up with a friend and wanted to invite her to the book launching celebration. I said, "We are having a special function to celebrate the publication of our latest book, War On the Home front. Can you please come? Oh and guess what day this is on? It is my son's birthday. Isn't that marvelous?" As I said this I grinned and looked happy.
She stared at me with a look of disbelief! She knew how difficult it was for me to get through special occasions yet I was looking joyful. That was the moment when I realized that something wonderful had taken place for me. For the first time in twelve years I was truly anticipating my son's birthday, and I wanted to celebrate his life.
I realized that in trying to alter the perspective of one grieving mother, I had changed my own.
I know God puts people in our lives whom we are meant to help and I wanted to help this mother deal with her problem. I had no idea there was help coming for me too! Now I see that God had an even greater agenda. In helping her, I helped myself. Good deeds often yield great blessings and I am overjoyed at what has happened. I am still marveling at the change that has taken place in my life.
I know without a doubt that when we reach out to one another across time and space, and when we attempt to help, to pray for, to console, to council or support one another, good things just have to happen.
I have also discovered that now it does not matter if I celebrate Jason's birthday right on that special day or if I honor him on any day in that month, or in that year!. Now I am just thrilled that I do want to celebrate his life. I feel as if I have just stepped out into the sunshine! Now more tears are for the joy of knowing him.
In memory of my loved one, I will celebrate his/her life:
- Organize a Cemetery Memorial Ceremony in your town for loved ones. Get permission from the city fathers and contact a few people. Ask them if they would like to be included (honoring their loved ones). Select a date and make this an annual event. (It will grow). What positive things can you do at the graveside to celebrate the lives of these loved ones? If the ceremony is timed in the summer hours when the sun is still in the sky, plan a colorful release of balloons, each one with a name tag of the loved one. Invite a well known local singer to sing one special song. Set out candles (in protective holders) at the graves so that when the sun goes down they are left in vigil. Plan a hot chocolate and cold juice drink to follow. You be the one to organize and pay for the refreshments. This annual event will be a memorial to your loved one (and to many others)!
- Put a photo of your deceased loved one on a stamp (available in Canada, through Canada Post) or as one mother suggested, have a stamp created that can be used when letters or cards are being sent by existing family members, e.g., a rose (as her daughter loved roses).
- Buy a birthday gift for him/her each year, and give it to someone in the community as a "secret pal," e.g., leave it on the doorstep, having it delivered anonymously, etc.
- Each Christmas one mother adopts an angel off the tree of a local charity. She then buys gifts for this living child in memory of "my little boy."
- "In Canada", one mother wrote, "we have a country wide trail and one can buy a section of the trail and dedicate it to the memory of a loved one." Someone did this for that mother in honor of her daughter Krissy and she runs by the memorial pavilion each week.
- Live your life for two of you, time is precious and so are you.
- Plant a tree, or put in a flower garden in memory of the loved one. Plant a flowering shrub. Betty's daughter asked that roses be planted in her memory. (The daughter is dying as I write this). And Susan planted a Lilac tree which "reminds me of Angel's uniqueness, beauty and blue eyes."
- Place a single flower on his grave and when you leave it there leave a promise to work hard to reach your own potential.
- Go to a local elementary school and offer your time for an afternoon once per week. Or donate money to your child's school for supplies. Or donate something needed to his former class room.
- One lady wrote, "I ask MOM to 'come' and join me for a cup of tea in the garden. If the weather is foul, I will have it at my kitchen table, with a cup for me and a cup for her. We always had tea together when she was alive, and it is a tradition that I have carried on with MY daughter. "
- Donate a book (or two) to a school library, a public library or a College library, in his name every year. His name will live as long as books do. If you choose good books, he will live forever. Check with your public library or local College library. Or think about your child's favorite author and donate books by that author in her name.
- Plant a bag of wild flower seeds in your yard, in a desolate area, or some suitable location.
- Release butterflies in honor of your loved one. There is one butterfly lady at (604) 858 8991. Contact Adele LaRiviere and she will also advise you on how to start your own butterfly garden in memory of your loved one. madamebutterfly@telus.net
- Many people have groceries delivered because they can not get out. Think what a lift it would be if you contacted an organization that does the deliveries and sent along a single carnation to twenty of those people, with a sunshine card (cheery greeting). Then sign it in memory of your loved one.
- In Vancouver, B.C. and in a park in Scotland there are park benches with brass metal donor plaques on the bench, saying "In Memory Of". Check with your city parks department about doing this in your area. Or donate a Memorial bench on the school ground of the school your child attended.
- Become a member of a group or organization that seems connected to your loved one. One Canadian mother started a chapter of Mother's Against Drunk Drivers after her teenage son was hit by a car while he was cycling in a park. The drunk's car left the road and traveled right into the park! Another mother now gives her time to fund drive for cancer research after her child died following a long struggle with cancer.
- One woman selected special rocks for her pond and garden in memory of her sister Angel. The rocks were not ordinary in that they had various inspirational messages written on them. She said," I saw my perfect choice. There was only one and it had pretty spring flowers painted in the corner and the word "live" painted in big bold letters. I bought it and perched it on the edge of my pond. It sums up in one little word what Angel continues to teach me."
- Make or buy small gifts and visit a nursing home and give these out to those patients who get no visitors or few visitors and stay long enough to talk with them. They too have lost many loved ones by this time and need a friend.
- Carol wrote, "when my mother died, to try and deal with mygrief and wanting to do something for her birthday (which was six months after she died), I wrotea two page tribute to her. It described all of her wonderful attributes and characteristics and included as many of the wonderful memories of her that I could think of. I truly paid her a tribute and then I sent a copy of it to my Dad and each one of my siblings. Now my sister and I light a candle for her each year on her birthday and always read the tribute. (She died ten years ago this year). It truly is a way of "celebrating" her life and keeping her alive in our memory. She played an incredibly wonderful part in all of our lives and it would be sad for that memory to fade.
- If your loved one was in a sport, e.g., volley ball, soccer or baseball, football, hockey, then purchase equipment, or whatever might be needed by a peewee team just getting started, in the name of your loved one.
- If your loved one was the more intellectual type, contribute a book or learning tool in that person's name to an under privileged child.
- With the help of friends, create a memorial web page, where other parents can visit and offer encouragement.
- One lady wrote: "At the time when my mother was so sick and I knew she didn't have long to live, I attended a Christmas Eve service and went up to the front and lit a candle and said a prayer for her. I felt very spiritual and am sure God was watching and hearing everything that was in my heart. Also try lighting beautiful candles on the birthday of your loved one!
- Have a family birthday celebration so his little brothers and sisters can always remember, too.
- Adopt a child through World Vision.
- Donate "his present" to Santa's Anonymous each Christmas.
- Support your local Music Festival with an award in the Family Music category.
- Establish an annual "Quality Citizenship Award" at a local Elementary School.
- Do something special as a family each year on the week-end as close to his birthday as possible.
- Do a "Celebration of Life" scrapbook album showing for your loved one! Or help another bereaved mom do up a "Memory" scrapbook of favorite photos, drawings, etc.
- One lovely lady wrote me about this expression of love: "When my cousin Jock drowned, his girlfriend sent Jock's mother flowers on Mother's Day for years. It meant a lot to know her son lived on in this woman's memory!"
- If you know what his/her favorite Charity was or think you know what they would have chosen, donate either some money or your time in his/her name!
- Celebrate a deceased loved one's life by reaching out to someone who you've lost touch with; renew your relationship; we all know that life is too short.
- Go for a walk with your memories of them and later look for opportunities to minister to others who have recently lost a loved one.
- Write a poem, song, or instrumental piece in memory of a beloved child.
- Adopt an animal at your local zoo or shelter in his/her name. Or donate your time to an animal shelter.Also know that often they need pet food, newspapers, litter, old blankets and towels.
- Many swimming pools, museums, and parks are in need of financial help, and many have wall plaques displaying the name plates of the donors. Make a donation and place on it the name of your loved one.
- Whenever I donate even a small amount to a worthy cause I do it in honor of my child. Every year on his/her birthday donate the amount of money of his/her age to a charity. You have a whole year to put some money away for this, in a special jar.
- If you live in an apartment building or have nowhere to plant flowers ask around. At one senior complex a gentleman planted and cared for flowers that were chosen by the residents. When they blossomed, they picked some of their plants. (A simple name on a stick identified the donor).
- The first book I wrote was dedicated to my deceased son.
- Have Birthday Party with family members or a few close friends. Dig out a photo album and spend fifteen minutes showing pictures of your loved one and traveling down memory lane. (Keep this short). Light candles, perhaps even enough for the number of years you shared with your child. Candles are so spiritual and I'm sure our departed loved ones would know.
- Send a hand written note to your other children to tell them how proud you are of them. One mother who contributed to this list, sent me three pages of ideas. (Her daughter is in hospital dying). She mentioned that one of her daughters felt so left out as everyone constantly spoke of her dying sister. She knew (intellectually) that she was being silly yet emotionally she was a mess. Survivors often suffer when so much attention goes toward the dying. Be aware.
- Mentor someone. Or become a Big Brother or a Big Sister.
- Visit a bed ridden person (hospital or nursing home) and offer your services. Bring reading material and offer to write letters and then mail them (you buy the stamps). If it is allowed take your animal to the nursing homes as they often never see a live cat or dog after they enter. Do check first as some people have deadly allergies to animals.
- Look around you. There are people suffering though many hard times. Take someone out to lunch as a goodness gesture. (In memory of a dad or mom).
- Donate a trophy for Special Olympics in memory of your loved one.
- Become a volunteer at a food bank or donate a huge hamper of especially good food to a food bank in honor of your loved one.
- A woman in Illinois wrote a lady in Australia and offered to send up a balloon in memory of James. And then a woman in California said she would send up balloons, also. So on his birthday, in Australia, Illinois and California, colorful balloons hit the sky as a celebration of the life of James. Maggie, mother of James, suggests you might wish to get something fancy like a butterfly shaped balloon, or something plain with a tag on it bearing the name of your loved one!
- Start a Journal about all the Fun times you remember having with him/her.
- Stanford University was built in 1919 from an endowment in memory of a 16 year old Leland Stanford who died of typhoid fever. Most of us won't be able to donate five million dollars, but it is wonderful to see so much generated because of love for ones child. Just do your best!
- Have a star in the sky named after your loved one.
It takes just one person with a quest to start something that may help millions. Think of Terry Fox, Canadian runner, who lost first a leg and then his life to cancer. And now every year tens of thousands run to raise money for cancer (in his memory). In memory of your loved one celebrate his life, move forward and make a difference.
Necessary Losses
To live in this world
you must be able to do three things:
to love what is mortal,
to hold it against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it,
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
Loss is the price that we pay for living. From the day we are born to the day we die, we are shedding bits and pieces of ourselves as we shape and reshape ourselves, our lives, and our futures. Like a snake which must shed its skin in order to grow, or a bird that must first molt to make room for its new stronger feathers in order to fly, we must let go of parts of ourselves, our identity, our sense of security, and those we love, in order to grow and flourish.
The bad news is that with every loss comes pain and anger, grief and sorrow.
The good news is that with every loss comes a new beginning, and an expanded future.
According to Judith Viorst in her book, Necessary Losses ... no matter what our age, growing up and letting go is hard to do. It is frightening and painful. The old ways always seem safer than the new, and we continually seek out the familiar until the pain of remaining where we are is greater than the pain we fear in moving on. We are like the Hebrew Children, who after crossing the Red Sea back slid and wandered for forty years in the wilderness, instead of pressing on to the Promised Land. Unless we learn to recognize our losses as necessary (or beyond our control) and "hold them close" - grieve for them- then "let them go," we will never grow, nor discover the many promised lands which lay before us.
Our growth from child to adulthood is a case in point. Our childhood is filled with necessary losses. As our bodies grow and change, old ways of behaving become obsolete. Hourly, daily, weekly, monthly we are taught what to expect, what to see, how to relate, what is right, and what is wrong.
There is a difference between the kind of developmental growing pains we feel as children and the distress we experience as we struggle to achieve emotional maturity during our young adulthood. Our twenties and thirties are filled with different kinds of necessary losses, as we learn our limitations, refine our morality, and discover that with freedom comes responsibility, with responsibility comes choices, and with choices come growth. As time goes by, we are forced to give up cherished ideals and fantasies. We learn, for instance, that relationships take a lot of work, and that "happily ever after" exists only in fairy tales. We discover that no one person can meet all our needs, and that we cannot meet all the needs of another. We learn that anger and frustration with those we love is normal, and that neither anger nor frustration precludes love. Each realization, each discovery, brings disillusionment and dismay. We struggle to hold on to our dreams and our self-images. We continue to look for Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect only to find again and again that the facade is thin.
Eventually we give up our dreams, one by one, replacing them with realities learned through experience. Every loss has its pain, and every loss has a potential for growth. It is only by giving up our fairy tale illusions that we can face reality and finally achieve the relationships we hoped for - through hard work, frustration, love, anger, and give and take.
One of the most difficult necessary losses (often encountered in our thirties and forties) is the loss of our own perfection. Oh, we know we aren't perfect, but we don't believe it. When we fall short of our own standards we often cannot forgive ourselves, and we become stuck. We cannot move on until we have corrected our mistakes, made amends, or simply achieved perfection the next time around.
It may be that we believe we should be the perfect husband or wife, parent, son or daughter, CEO, Sales Rep., housekeeper, professional (whatever we are), and as long as we hold on to that fantasy we will be guilt ridden, paralyzed, and unable to find peace. We and those around us will remain locked in a miserable dance of blame and discontent, until the pain becomes so great that we have to let go. For most of us, movement does not take place until it hurts too much to stand still. Then, finally convinced that no matter how bad the consequences of imperfection they cannot be worse than what we are suffering now, we break through the wall that has imprisoned us. And, the energy which is freed up will allow us to become whole, imperfect and functional. It is amazing what we can accomplish when we are no longer frozen by the fear that we have to do it all.
Throughout our lives we suffer not only the loss and pain induced by our psychological maturation but also the daily losses necessary to life in general. A friend moves away, we lose a job - or gain a job, WE move away, we change schools, a pet dies, our favorite grocery store or restaurant closes, - from the important to the trivial we are assaulted by necessary losses which in both large and small ways mold our lives.
But, now I want to speak of the momentous losses which change our lives profoundly: divorce, accident, illness, and the death of someone we love.
As an example, it was my divorce that forced me to stop, take stock, and re-invent myself in the face of devastating loss. The transition was not unlike the Easter story. I felt crucified. Some major portion of me died. I was trapped in a dark cave of despair for about a year; when I was ready and finally able to push away the stones that kept me trapped, I was born again - resurrected to a new life.
I believe that the Christian Easter Story and, in a different way, the Jewish Exodus Story are metaphors to guide us through the cataclysmic losses of our lives. They speak to us of death and destruction, they warn us of the "dark night of the soul" and of being lost in the wilderness, and they promise (if we will persevere) new life. Over and over again throughout our lives we will live out these cycles.
When a catastrophic event assails us, stroke, heart attack, cancer or some other major diagnosis, a serious accident, an act of violence, or the death of a spouse, a child, or a parent, we are forced to confront our own mortality and to ask "why?" What is the meaning of this? These losses are not the sloughing of old skin; they are the breaking away of huge chunks of ourselves. We may be forced to re-invent ourselves out of whole cloth. We ask: Who are we? Why are we here? How long will we stay? Do we even want to stay? What is left to do?
Our time in the wilderness, or the dark cave, may be long and tortuous. We may never find satisfactory answers to all of these questions, but at some point - if we are going to live - we will have to push back the stones and move on. We will emerge from our cave or from the "muddy waters of the Jordan" with a new understanding of life, and new resolve. Hopefully, what we have lost in physical or emotional prowess we will have gained in wisdom, determination, purpose, and spiritual strength.
For some of us our goals will have changed from running the four minute mile to being able to feed ourselves, but there is dignity and growth to be had from whatever challenges we face.
These are the losses that define us;no matter how devastating the losses we sustain, every loss is an opportunity for growth and change. And, somehow no matter what our stage or condition in life we always have something to learn, to teach and to share.
Sometimes, as I age from decade to decade, I am an emotionally and spiritually stronger person than I was at any previous time of my life. I feel wiser, more whole, and more sure of who I am than in earlier incarnations. I like who I am - this week - but I would not want to stop here. With each loss there is a gain: a gain in wisdom, a gain in maturity, a gain in understanding, and empathy. There are also gains in skills, determination, and achievement.
Some losses are NOT necessary, but our responses to them must be the same. With the loss of innocence, the shock, trauma, and the fear we have experienced since the terrorist attacks of September 11th, we are all challenged to make sense out of the chaos, and to give new purpose and meaning to our lives. As with all losses we have retreated, we live in a time of uncertainty, some of us are paralyzed with fear; others are reacting irrationally, and still others have pulled themselves together and marched forward as if nothing has changed (whether this latter choice is denial or fortitude only time will tell). All of us are effected in some way; we are all under stress. We have lost something of the world we knew, and as yet we do not know what will take its place. But at some point, different for each one of us, we will roll back the stones and wade into the waters as we cross into a new life, wiser, stronger, different people from who we were before. Perhaps, we will cherish life more deeply, or learn to savor one day at a time. Perhaps, we will find new meaning, or a renewed commitment to peace or justice, love or mercy.
Loss is the price we pay for living. Loss always comes with pain, but it can also lead to greater fulfillment. And our mission, if we choose to accept it, is to live to the fullest extent of our capacities until the day we die.
With all our necessary losses, as with life itself, we must hold them close, then when the time comes let them go. Let them go.
excerpt from Necessary Losses or http://www.cedarlane.org/01serms/s011104.html
Time (Along With A Little Effort) HEALS All Wounds
(from THE TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING)
Chapter One
I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the pavement.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
When we persevere on the spiritual path,
and examine ourselves honestly,
it begins to dawn on us more and more that our perceptions
are nothing more than a web of illusions.
Simply to acknowledge our confusion,
even though we cannot accept it completely,
can bring some light of understanding and
spark off in us a new process, a process of healing.
~ Sogyal Rinpoche
06-06-06
by Heather Whipps
Special to LiveScience
Posted 5-26-2006
( http://www.livescience.com/history/060525_numbers_game.html )
If you're just a bit more cautious on a Friday the 13th, wouldn't fly on 9/11 or could never live in a house numbered 666, you are not alone.
With 06/06/06 looming (June 6, 2006), authorities in some cities are worrying prophecy theorists or hate groups might read something ominous into the date and use it as an excuse to stir tension. Some expectant mothers are making birthing appointments to ensure they avoid the date, according to the Sunday Times in London.
And for others, it is a marketing opportunity. 20th Century Fox's remake of "The Omen" and Ann Coulter's book, "Godless: The Church of Liberalism," will both come out June 6.
The Beast
The number 666 is used to refer to the beast in the Bible's Book of Revelations:
"He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666."
Among many coincidences that occur with numbers, life itself is based partly on these three: Carbon atoms, key to life as we know it, have six protons, six neutrons, and six electrons in their most common form.
That there is concern over the date at all is a reflection of how popular it's become to search for the hidden meanings in numbers, experts say.
"People have a tendency to latch onto things, like numbers, that help them make sense of the world," said Mario Livio, an astrophysicist and author of "The Equation That Couldn't Be Solved" (Simon & Schuster, 2005).
Troubled times
The perceived importance of numbers becomes especially true during troubled times, when finding wisdom in numbers can be a comfort, says professional numerologist Sonia Ducie. "Humanity and individuals are attracted to numbers during times of great transformation," Ducie said. The Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks are an overwhelming example. Conspiracy theorists in the years since the tragedy have tried hard to thread together "eerie" numerological coincidences, especially those tied to the number eleven. A few of the best known:
- 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
- The first plane to hit the World Trade Center was American Airlines Flight 11; AA can also be "translated" as the alphabet's version of 11.
- The State of New York was the eleventh state added to the union.
- The names George W. Bush, New York City, Air Force One, Afghanistan and The Pentagon all contain eleven letters.
Despite its modern manifestations, searching for deeper meanings in numbers is a practice that goes back to ancient times, Livio said.
"Numerology has a long history," he told LiveScience. "You can trace it all the way from the followers of Pythagoras, whose maxim to describe the universe was ‘all is number.'" Thinkers who studied under the famous Greek mathematician combined numbers in different ways to explain everything around them, he said.
Para-science
Modern numerology has since morphed into a kind of para-science in the same vein as astrology, according to skeptics. Still, many numerologists claim to rely on Pythagoras' ancient system to divine the hidden connections between numbers—often a birth date—and an individual's life.
Our attraction to certain numbers has to do with the cycles of birth and death those numbers have seen through many millions of years in existence, said Ducie, who trained at the Connaissance School of Numerology in Hertfordshire, England.
"People are subconsciously drawn towards specific numbers because they know that they need the experiences, attributes or lessons, associated with them, that are contained within their potential," she said. "Numerology can ‘make sense' of an individual's life (health, career, relationships, situations and issues) by recognizing which number cycle they are in, and by giving them clarity."Mathematicians are quick to dismiss numerology as having any scientific merit, however.
"I don't endorse this at all," said Livio, when asked to comment on the popularity of commercial numerology today. Seemingly coincidental connections between numbers will always appear if you look hard enough, he said.
Lucky numbers
When it comes to lucky numbers, at least, Ducie agreed."People can also ‘make' numbers lucky simply by believing they will be lucky when they have those numbers around them; these preconditioned thoughts strongly contribute towards their manifestation of luck," she said.The obsession with particular numbers also tend to wax and wane according to the trends of popular culture, Livio noted.
Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code (Doubleday, 2003) has played a part with its showcase of the golden ratio, or divine proportion, which Livio explores in his book The Golden Ratio (Broadway, 2003). The very precise number is said to exist mysteriously in various places in nature and be extremely attractive to the human eye. Spin-offs in the worlds of architecture, art and even diet books are a result of the "Code" phenomenon.
Ronald Reagan's 666
The supposed number of the devil falls in and out of favor with the public, too. It is unclear just how influential the number was in the centuries after the Bible became widespread as literature, but it was certainly ingrained in popular culture after the 1976 release of the movie "The Omen", in which the neck of a demon-child is stamped with the digits 666.
When former President Ronald Reagan and his wife Nancy retired to their last home in California thirteen years later, they forced officials to change their address from 666 to 668 St. Cloud Road, Livio said.
No word on whether the former president whose full name is Ronald Wilson Reagan, was bothered by the number of letters in each of his first, middle and last names.
I don't know what I think about 6-6-6 ... I'll admit that it makes me a little uneasy ... I have thrown a pack of gum into an order when the order came to 6.66 before ... A lady at the DMV tried to give me a tag with 666 on it and I refused it. She laughed and said she had been trying to give that one out all day ... If it's the end of the world ... I'm ready. My heart is right and I am already living each day like it's my last ... but all the same, I might stay home that day and spend the day in bed ... tucked safe under the covers!
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