HOW TO HELP A FRIEND…

HOW TO HELP A FRIEND…
Who's Seriously Ill

 

Even after years of recovery, we can be overcome by those old thoughts and memories.  When it happens, please don't worry too much.  It's just a flare up ... remnants of a hurt that used to burn hot. 

It's like this ...

Imagine a bonfire burning HOT and WILD, totally out of control and think about how our lives have been ... we are like that fire, running HOT, careening completely OUT OF CONTROL, but nothing ever stays out of control forever. 

Eventually, something bigger than the event steps in to put the brakes on.  For me, it was being faced with the business end of a shotgun.  For you, it might have been when he turned his anger from you to your child.  For another, it might be a "last straw" kind of thing where you reach a point when you just aren't going to take it anymore. 

The "brakes" are like a nice big bucket of cold water poured over that fire.  That's the beginning of recovery.  But recovery doesn't put out the fire all at once.  Just like any good bonfire, the wind plays with the embers and blows across the coals and gathers pieces of wood in the same place and flares up a time or two or three before it burns out all together.

 

 

 

 

Communication  

Co-dependents are indirect.  We don't do it on purpose.  We do it because we've learned to communicate this way.  I believe most of us are afraid to tell people who we are because we don't believe it is okay to be who we are.  Many of us don't like and don't trust ourselves.  We don't trust our thoughts.  We don't trust our feelings.  We may feel ashamed for having our problems.  

Talking clearly and openly is not difficult. In fact, it's easy.  And fun.  Start by knowing that who we are is okay.  Our feelings and thoughts are okay. Our opinions count.  It's okay to talk about our problems.  And it's okay to say no.  

Say what we mean and mean what we say.  If we don't know what we mean, be quiet and think about it.  If our answer is, "I don't know." say "I don't know."  Learn to be concise.  

• Express our feelings.
• We can say what we think.
• We can even be wrong.
• We can say what we expect.
• We can express our wants and needs.
• We can tell the truth.
• We don't have to be controlled by what other people say.
• We can learn to ignore nonsense.
• We can be assertive and stand up for ourselves.
• We can show compassion and concern without rescuing.
• We can discuss our feelings and problems without expecting people to rescue us too.  

Learn to listen to what people are saying and not saying.  Talking is a tool and a delight.  We need to take responsibility for communication.  In love and dignity, speak the truth ... as we think, feel, and know it ... and it shall set us free.    

Work A Twelve-Step Program  

1. We admitted we were powerless ... that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.  

One nice thing about meetings is that people can be who they are.  They don't have to pretend they don't have a particular problem, because everybody there has the same problem.  If they didn't have that problem, they wouldn't be there.  

Something happens when we go to these meetings and work a program.  A peace and a healing sets in.  We start to change and feel better.  The steps are something we work on, but they also work on us.  There is magic at these meetings.  

We never have to do anything we are not able to do, truly find offensive, or don't want to do.  When it is time to do or change a certain thing, we will know it is time and we will want to do it.  There will be a rightness and an appropriateness to it.  Our lives begin to work this way, too.  Healing ... growth ... becomes a natural process.  The Twelve Steps are a formula for man's natural healing process.  

Some of us may be embarrassed to go.  All I could do at the first meetings I attended was sit and cry, and I felt terribly awkward.  But for once, it was a good cry.  My tears were tears of healing.  I needed to sit and cry.  When I stopped crying and looked around, I saw other people crying too.  

Our co-dependent characteristics become habits and may be tendencies we lean toward for the rest of our lives.  Go whether the other people in your life are better or sicker.  Go until you feel grateful that you can go.  Go until the magic works on you.  And don't worry ... if you go long enough, the magic will work.

A Few More Things We Need To Talk About ...  

Expectations  

See if they're realistic.  For example, expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people is futile; expecting different results from the same behaviors, according to Ernie Larson, is insane.  Then, let go.  See how things turn out.  Let things happen - without forcing.  If we are constantly disappointed, we may have a problem to solve - either with ourselves, another person, or a situation.
 

We have a right to expect good things and appropriate behavior.    

Fear of Intimacy  

For many of us, it feels safer to be alone or in relationships where we are "unemotionally involved" than it does to be emotionally vulnerable, close, and loving.  We don't risk people abandoning us; we don't risk.  And we don't have to go through the awkwardness of initiating relationships.  When we don't get close to people, at least we know what to expect: nothing.  Denial of love feelings protects us from the anxiety caused by loving.  

Love and closeness challenge our deepest fears about who we are and whether it is okay to be ourselves, and about who others are and whether that is okay.  Love and closeness - involvement with people are the greatest risks a man or woman can take.  They require honesty, spontaneity, vulnerability, trust,responsibility, self acceptance, and acceptance of others.  Love brings joy and warmth, but it also requires us to be willing to occasionally feel hurt and rejection.  

Many of us have learned to run from closeness, rather than take the risks involved.  We run from love and prevent closeness in many ways.  We push people away or do hurtful things to them so they won't want to be close to us.  We do ridiculous things in our minds to talk ourselves out of wanting to be close.  We find fault with everyone we meet; we reject people before they have a chance to reject us.  We wear masks and pretend to be something other than who we are.  We scatter our energies and emotions among so many relationships that we don't get too close or vulnerable to anyone.


Forgiveness  

Compulsive disorders such as alcoholism twist and distort many good things, including the great principle of forgiveness.  We repeatedly forgive the same people.  We hear promises, we believe lies, and we try to forgive some more.  Some of us may not want to, because to forgive would leave us vulnerable to further hurt and we believe we cannot endure more pain.  Forgiveness turns on us and becomes a painful experience.  

Forgiveness can be wonderful.
It wipes the slate clean.  It clears up guilt.
It brings peace and harmony.  

We cannot forgive someone for doing something if we have not fully accepted what this person has done ... Forgiveness comes in time ... in its own time ... if we are striving to take care of ourselves.  Don't let other people use this principle against us.  Don't let other people help us feel guilty because they think we should forgive someone, and we are either not ready or believe forgiveness is not the appropriate solution.  Take responsibility for forgiveness.  If we are taking care of us, we will understand what to forgive and when it's time to do that.  

While we are at it, don't forget to forgive ourselves!


The Frog Syndrome  

"Did you hear about the woman who kissed a frog?  She was hoping it would turn into a prince.  It didn't.  She turned into a frog too."  

Many co-dependents like to kiss frogs.  We see so much good in them.  Some of us even become chronically attracted to frogs after kissing enough of them.  Alcoholics and people with other compulsive disorders are attractive people.  They radiate power, energy, and charm.  They promise the world.  Never mind that they deliver pain, suffering, and anguish.  The words they say sound so good ...    

Fun  

We can schedule fun into our routine.  We can learn to recognize when we need to play and what kinds of things we enjoy doing.  Start doing things just for ourselves, just because we want to.  

Let go and enjoy life.  

People may get angry at us for setting boundaries; they can't use us anymore.  But boundaries are worth every bit of time, energy, and thought required to set and enforce them.  Ultimately, they will provide us with more time and energy.   What are out limits? 

What boundaries do we need to establish?    

Physical Care  

Don't abandon the importance of exercise.  

Taking care of ourselves means taking care of our bodies and grooming.  Make both a daily practice.  

Taking care of our emotional selves is also connected to our bodies.  The more we take care of our emotional selves ... the more we get our needs met ... the less we find ourselves sick.  If we refuse long enough to take care of ourselves, our bodies will rebel and become sick, forcing us and the people around us to give us the care-taking we need.  It's easier to take care of ourselves before we get sick.


Professional Help  

• We are depressed and thinking about suicide.
• We want to do an intervention and confront an alcoholic or other troubled person.
• We have been the victim of physical or sexual abuse.
• We are experiencing problems with alcohol or other drugs.
• We can't seem to solve our problems or get "unstuck" by ourselves.
• For any other reason, we believe we might benefit from professional help.

Most of us need people.  Most of us have at least a few relationships.  We can say honest, tender, appreciative things, and they can say those things back to us.  The idea is to strive for good relationships.  If we don't have people to be honest, tender, loving, and appreciative with, find some.   

Strive for good physical treatment too.  We don't ever have to let people hit us.  

Co-dependents also frequently have difficulties accepting compliments ... positive strokes.  We can stop fighting the fact that we are good people with good qualities.  If someone tells us something good about ourselves, we can accept it unless instinct tells us the person has ulterior motives.  Even if he or she is trying to manipulate us, take the compliment and refuse to be manipulated.  Let it go all the way down to the heart.  We deserve compliments.  We need them.  We all need them.  They help us believe what we are working so hard to believe ... we are good people.  The beauty of compliments is, the more good things we believe about ourselves, the better we get.  

We can pass out compliments and spread positive energy.  We can share what we like about people and say what we appreciate in them.  Make it honest, but make it good.  

We can learn to recognize when we need to give a stroke.  Learn to recognize when we need to be around people and get some strokes.  Real love says, "You're having problems.  I care, and I'll listen, but I won't and can't do it for you."  Real friendship says, "I think so highly of you that I'll let you figure out how to do it for yourself.  I know you can."


Trust  

Co-dependents frequently aren't certain whom or when to trust.  We can trust ourselves.  We can trust ourselves to make good decisions about whom we trust.  Many of us have been making inappropriate decisions about trust.  But we can trust people to be who they are.  We can learn to see people clearly.  Is what they say the same as what they do?  

If we pay attention to ourselves and the messages we receive from the world, we will know whom to trust, when to trust, and why to trust a particular person.  We may discover we've always known whom to trust ... we just weren't listening to ourselves.

 

This above all; to thine own self be true,
it must follow, as the night follows the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.
- William Shakespeare  

We co-dependents pick on ourselves endlessly, heaping piles of shoulds on our conscience and creating mounds of worthless, stinking guilt.  Then, we shame ourselves.  We don't like what do, and we don't like who we are.  Fundamentally, we are not good enough.    

In co-dependency, as in many other areas of life, everything is connected to everything, and one thing leads to another.  In this case, our low self-worth is frequently connected to much of what we do or don't do, and it leads to many other problems.  

As co-dependents, we frequently dislike ourselves so much that we believe it's wrong to put ourselves first.  Often, we think we're only worth something if we do things for others or care take, so we never say no.  We think we have to do something for people to get and keep their friendships.  Much of the defensiveness I've seen in co-dependents comes not because we think we're above criticism, but because we have so little self-worth that any perceived attack threatens to annihilate us.  We feel so bad about ourselves and have such a need to be perfect and avoid shame that we cannot allow anyone to tell us about something we have done wrong.  

Who we are right now is okay.  In fact, co-dependents are some of the most loving, generous, good hearted, and concerned people I know. 

We've just allowed ourselves to be tricked into doing things that hurt us, and we're going to learn how to stop doing those things.  But those tricks are our problems; they are not us.  If we have one character defect that is abhorrent, it is the way we pick on ourselves.  We aren't second-class citizens.  We don't deserve to lead secondhand lives.  And we don't deserve second-best relationships! 

We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. 

People who love and like us aren't stupid or inferior for doing that.  We have a right to be happy.  We deserve good things. 

Stop the "shoulds".  If we should be doing something, do it.  If we're torturing ourselves, stop it.  It gets easier.  We can laugh at ourselves, tell ourselves we won't be tricked, give ourselves a hug, then go about the business of living as we choose.  If we have real guilt, deal with it.  God will forgive us.  He knows we did our best, even if it was our worst.  We don't have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty to prove to God or anyone else how much we care.  We need to forgive ourselves.  We need to stop shaming ourselves.  Shame, like guilt, serves absolutely no purpose.  

Start where we're at, and we will become more.  Develop our gifts and talents.  Trust ourselves.  Assert ourselves.  We can be trusted.  Respect ourselves.  Be true to ourselves.  Honor ourselves, for that is where our magic lies.  That is our key to the world.  

Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence.


Learn The Art Of Acceptance  

Perhaps the most painful loss many co-dependents face is the loss of our dreams, the hopeful and sometimes idealistic expectations for the future that most people have.  This loss can be the most difficult to accept. 

The dreams and promises may have been spoken or unspoken but for most of us, they were there.   The dreams were there.  Many of us held on for so long, clutching those dreams through one loss and disappointment after another.  We flew in the face of reality, shaking these dreams at the truth, refusing to believe or accept anything less.  But one day the truth caught up to us and refused to be put off any longer.  This wasn't what we wanted, planned on, asked for, or hoped for.  It never would be.  The dream was dead, and it would never breathe again.  

Some of us may have had our dreams and hopes crushed.  Some of us may be facing the failure of something extremely important such as marriage or another important relationship.  I know there's a lot of pain at the prospect of losing love or losing the dreams we had.  There's nothing we can say to make that less painful or to lessen our grief.  It hurts deeply to have our dreams destroyed by alcoholism or any other problem. 

Nothing dies slower or more painfully than a dream.  

Even recovery brings losses, more changes we must struggle to accept.  Although these are good changes, they are still losses - losses of things that may not have been desirable but may have become oddly comfortable.  At least we knew what to expect, even if that meant not expecting anything.  

The losses many co-dependents must daily face and accept are enormous and ongoing.  They are not the usual problems and losses most people encounter as part of normal living.  These are losses and problems which are caused by people we care about.  Although the problems are a direct result of an illness, condition, or compulsive disorder, they may appear as deliberate and malicious acts.  We are suffering at the hands of someone we love and trusted.  

It has also been my experience that my higher power seems reluctant to intervene in my circumstances until I accept what He has already given me.  Acceptance is not forever.  It is for the present moment.  But it must be sincere and at gut-level.  

Positive change brings loss ... when we buy a new house and leave the old one ... and requires a progression through the following five stages:

1. Denial
   I am convinced that we do most of our co-dependent behaviors in this stage - obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings.  I also believe many of our feelings of "craziness" are connected to this state. 
   We feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves. 
   We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies. 
   Nothing will help us feel crazy faster than being lied to. 
   Believing lies disrupts the core of our being. 
   The deep, instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part away and telling it, "You're wrong.  Shut up." 
   According to counselor Scott Egleston,we then decide there's something fundamentally wrong with us for being suspicious, and we label ourselves and our innermost, intuitive being as untrustworthy.
     
2. Anger
   We may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lost.
   
3. Bargaining
   If we do such and such or if someone else does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss.
   
4. Depression
   When we decide to acknowledge what life has dealt us we become sad, sometimes terribly depressed. 
   This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. 
   This is what we have been attempting to avoid at all costs. 
   This is the time to cry, and it hurts. 
   This stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender. 
   Grief will disappear, only when the process has been worked out and through.
   
5. Acceptance
   After we have closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated, and finally felt the pain, we arrive as a state of acceptance.  Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage.  It is almost void of feelings.  It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over ... We are at peace with what is.  We are free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions we need to make.  We are free!  We have accepted our loss, however minor or insignificant.  We are comfortable with it and our lives.  We have adjusted and reorganized.  Once more, we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves.  

We believe we have in some way benefited from our loss or change even if we cannot fully understand how or why. We have faith that all is well, and we have grown from our experience.  We deeply believe our present circumstances ... every detail of them ... are exactly as they ought to be for the moment.  In spite of our fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, we understand everything is okay even if we lack insight.  We accept what is.  We settle down.  We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding.  And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.  

When the process begins, we usually feel shock and panic.  As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnerable, lonely, and isolated.  A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic.   Denial, depression, bargaining, and anger may all come rushing in.  We may not know what we're trying to accept. We may not even know we're struggling to accept a situation.  We may simply feel like we've gone crazy.  We haven't.  Become familiar with this process.  The entire process may take place in thirty seconds for a minor loss; it may last years or a lifetime when the loss is significant.  

We must ward off the blows of life with denial until we are better prepared to deal with them.  We must feel anger and blame until we have gotten them out of our system.  We must try to negotiate, and we must cry.  We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each of us, for our well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage.  

The only way out is through.  

We can give ourselves permission to go through this process when we face loss and change, even minor losses and changes.  Be gentle with ourselves.  This is a draining, exhausting process.  It can deplete our energy and throw us off balance.  Watch how we pass through the stages and feel what we need to feel.  Talk to people, people who are safe and will provide the comfort, support, and understanding we need.  Talk it out; talk it through.  One thing that helps me is thanking God for the loss ... for my present circumstances ... regardless of how I feel or what I think about them.

 

(to be continued ...)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Do you ever feel as though you take care of others even though it hurts you?
2. Are you afraid or hesitant to talk about problems in your relationship?
3. When you do discuss problems, do you seem to get nowhere?
4. Do you feel like you are growing or want to grow and the relationship is not?
5. Do you say yes when you want to say no?
6. Do you rationalize away the things you don't like in your relationship?
7. Do you ever feel like you both want and don't want to be in the relationship?
8. Have you ever thought of leaving the relationship and been too afraid?
9. Do you or the other person every get close and then pull back?
10. Do you experience holding out in your relationship?
11. Does how the other person in the relationship feel change your mood or self-esteem?
12. Does the person’s behavior change your self-esteem or mood?
13. Do you enable, persecute or feel like a victim?
14. Do you struggle for power or control?
15. Do you try to change the other person or the other person try to change you?
16. Do you wonder what a healthy relationship is?
17. Do you have any negative thoughts about men/women, relationships?
18. Do you disregard your values to please someone?
19. Do you fear risk, change or the unknown?
20. Do you experience repeated negative feelings?
21. Do you suffer from separation or disapproval anxiety?
22. Do you let abusive people remain in your life?
23. Do you fear being alone?
24. Are your boundaries weak or rigid?
25. Do you expect or demand unconditional love?
26. Do you or those you are attracted to abuse or refuse commitment?
27. Do you fail to stop others from violating your boundaries?
28. Do you adapt to others to keep them around?
29. Do you look to others to fulfill you?
30. Do you become intimate before you have established trust?

1. Are you easily in love with being in love?
2. Do you like melodrama: being a rescued victim or the hero?
3. Are longing and melancholy familiar to you?
4. Do you gravitate to romance novels or movies?
5. Is being wanted extremely important to you?
6. Is the attraction phase of a relationship what matters most?
7. Do you live in a future of perfected love?
8. Do you look for love?
9. Are your fantasy outcomes often disappointing?
10. Is there a familiar pattern in your selection of partners?
11. Do you get high on the rush of intoxicating feelings?
12. Do you self medicate with relationships?
13. Do you compromise your values when in love?
14. Is heartbreak familiar?
15. Is your choice of music romantic, dramatic or euphoric?
16. Do you wander off mentally or physically when the romantic high wears off?
17. Do you have long distance affairs or affairs with the unavailable?
18. Do you have unrealistic expectations of the love object?
19. Do you feel anxiety when the romantic object is absent?
20. Do you suffer withdrawal symptoms when the romantic object is not there?
21. Do you suffer from depression related to your romantic affairs?
22. Do you obsess about love or the love object?
23. Do you chase the illusion?
24. Do you fantasize about those you are not in a relationship with?
25. Do you find romanticizing soothes you?
26. Are you lured by intermittent reinforcement (periodic attention)?
27. Have you ever stalked the love object or called to check up on the love object?
28. Does your romanticizing interfere with other areas of your life: family, children, work, spiritual, relational, financial?
29. Do your friends ever confront you on your romantic encounters?
30. Do you like living on the edge of perfected love?
31. Do you escape through rich fantasy life?
32. Do you crave ecstasy feelings?

1. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
2. Have you regularly subscribed to or regularly purchased sexually explicit materials?
3. Did either of your parents have trouble with sexual behavior (repress or act inappropriate)?
4. Do you often find yourself being preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
5. Do you (ever) feel that your sexual behavior is inappropriate?
6. Does your spouse or significant other ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
7. Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
8. Do you ever feel bad (shameful or guilty) about your sexual behavior (and then rationalize it)?
9. Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you or your family (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually)?
10. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like or caused problems?
11. Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
12. Has anyone (ever) been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
13. Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
14. Have you made promises to yourself to quit some aspect of your sexual behavior?
15. Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual behavior and failed?
16. Do you hide (or have you ever hidden) some aspects of your sexual behavior from others?
17. Does your sexual behavior put you at odds with your personal or spiritual values/integrity?
18. Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior or affair?
19. Has sex been a way for you to escape your problems (or self medicate)?
20. When you have sex, (that you question), do you often feel depressed afterward?
21. Have you felt (or do you now feel) the need to discontinue a certain form of sexual activity?
22. Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
23. Have you been sexual with minors (or vulnerable adults)?
24. Do you often feel controlled by your sexual desire?
25. Do you frequent pornographic web sites or chat rooms?
26. Do you tend to sexualize others?
27. Do you rationalize your sexual behavior?

1. Believe that healthy love is possible.
2. Be willing to assess your love life honestly.
3. Accept that the only person you can change is you.
4. Connect the unhealthy aspects of your love life with your inner beliefs and past trauma.
5. Change your beliefs to those that encourage healthy love.
6. Let go of fear.
7. Experience yourself as unconditional love and live it.

I wrote some of this at the very beginning of my recovery, when I was looking for almost any excuse to "make peace"  with my abuser.  The only reason I am sharing it with you now is because I know as sure as I am sitting here that if you have left your partner in the past year, you are going through major withdrawal!  You don't understand why your feelings are so strong.  Your world is spinning and you haven't found your balance yet.  If there is such a thing as "normal" during a time like this, Most of the things you are feelings are typical.  See if you see yourself in what I was feeling ... 


I wish there could be a way to make peace with all of this.  I understand that you have to have respect for the laws that say that perpetrators and victims should not talk but what about God's law?  The one that says if you have something against another, that you go to them ... I don't see anything that says I am exempt if they are a jerk.

Why was I even wishing for some sort of resolution?

Addictive Thinking! 

It seems like I am treading on dangerous ground here.  I don't want to encourage anyone, even me, to try to "make friends with the devil", but doesn't evil win when we don't talk?  Isn't it wisdom to try to find the truth somewhere between us and them?  The law divides their story and our story and splits it somewhere down the middle.  Maybe, that's fair?

Why was I willing to let him off the hook?

Addictive Thinking!

I don't know.  I can't get my head around some things.  I don't understand people who intentionally hurt.  I don't set out to hurt people, and I am sorry when I learn that I have, but some people don't care if they hurt others!  I do want to believe that there is good in everybody.  I do wish, against all odds, that there could be some resolution to such a hateful situation.

Why couldn't I just face the fact that there are bad people in this world?  Period.

Addictive Thinking! 

I still avoid going places because I don't want to run into him or any of his friends.  People say I shouldn't worry about these things ... that he isn't worth it.  I only have one answer.  He was worth it to me.  I still don't know why he hurt me.  I am doing everything I can to get over what happened.  I wish I could really talk to him.  I wish he was capable of seeing things from my point of view.  I wish with all my heart that he would just say he's sorry.  Everyone says he isn't sorry.  Everyone says that he has SO MUCH hurt that he likes hurting other people ... even me ... maybe, especially me.  If it's true ... that he delights in my pain, he better throw a party and invite all his friends!  He brought me to a whole new level of PAIN!  I'm hurting for me.  I'm hurting for him.  Maybe, that will change someday?

There I was, still hoping against hope for some kind of fairy tale ending!

THERE WERE TOO MANY OBSESSIVE, CO-DEPENDENT, ROSE-COLORED THOUGHTS TO LIST.  ANYONE OF THEM COULD HAVE SENT ME DOWN THE WRONG ROAD THEN, AND THOUGHTS LIKE THOSE COULD SEND YOU DOWN THE WRONG ROAD NOW! 

Lots of Addictive Thinking!

It was probably good for me to get those feelings out, but it was also dangerously close to the same thing that a drug addict does when they talk about their first high!  It isn't anything but: 

Addictive Thinking!  

Just like an addict, I was looking for a "fix", or maybe, it's more correct to say, "a way to fix everything"!

Eventually, the addictive thoughts began to be replaced by more healthier thoughts.  As I let go of the addictive thinking, I found acceptance that things just are the way they are.

I was hurting when I met Aydan.  Aydan was hurting when he met me.  I saw the person I wanted him to be.  He was not that man.  He saw the person he wanted me to be.  I was not that woman.  Why didn't Aydan and I ride off into the sunset?  We couldn't!  The whole thing was a BIG FAT LIE!

Aydan had so much anger and a need to release his anger, I had an equal need to try to convert his anger, his crimes, his punishment into the love and acceptance I wanted so badly.  That's what being co-dependent is all about.  Co-dependents learn early to live the lie that if we just be a little better, if we just try a little harder, then everything will be okay and we will get the love we are missing.  Some of us waste whole lifetimes trying to be good enough for someone to love us.  We are drawn to people who share a different side of the same "dream".  Both the one who punishes and the one who is punished are drenched in fear and anger.  Fear and anger come from a different place than love.

I took his abuse for a long time.  He called me names and criticized me constantly.  I hated it when he pushed me or slapped me but I would find a way to make his bad behavior tolerable because I was "hooked" on the flattery and the "joint worship services" we held for each other in between his temper tantrums. 

Then, Aydan tried to win an argument with a shotgun!  From the moment he walked into the room with a gun, screaming and spitting all over the place, I believed that my life was being threatened.  Something inside me snapped.

Guns are NOT negotiable!

Before that, I had bought into all the lies ... the lie that he couldn't help himself ... the lie that his past was stopping him from having the kind of life everyone else has ... the lie that I needed to understand ... the lie that I could make things better ... All those lies are nothing but ... 

Addictive Thinking!

I woke up!  It was like I was seeing Aydan for the first time.  Of course, I saw his anger.  It was all over the place!

BUT look what it took to wake me up! 

He projected his fear on me and I projected my fear on him.  When two people exchange fear, they create even more pain and suffering.  They exchange horrible words and terrible memories.  I had never experienced, to that degree, what fear can do.  I saw how fear had twisted Aydan in slow motion clarity.  I felt how fear was twisting me. 

I was determined to fight back because no matter how bad things had gotten, I had survived.  I was alive!  I had lived through the worst day of my life.  After all that, I couldn't go anywhere but up!

This experience changed the way I look at myself and when our view of our SELF changes, everything changes! 

I took ownership of my path and realized that all I have is my path.  We are all on a journey.  Some days are exciting and some days are quite dull, but every day is ripe with opportunities.  My journey is beautiful and tailored just for me.  Your journey is beautiful and tailored just for you.

Of course, I am sorry for the nonsense that took place between Aydan and me.  I accept responsibility for my part in the nonsense.  I forgive myself as well as Aydan because that is the only way I can truly be free.

Of course, I wanted Aydan to say he was sorry for what he did to me, but guys like that NEVER admit they are wrong!  That was "the hook" or the "addiction" in the first place.  There was a little girl inside me that wanted someone to make up for all the hurt I felt as a little girl.  When I met Aydan, I met someone who was completely incapable of loving that way.  His rejection and abuse tapped into that ancient hurt and I was "hooked" in the old way, thinking that if I did just a little more and said just a little more and gave a little more, that he would care about me ... Aydan didn't want to take care of MY needs!  I was only valuable to him as long as I took care of HIS needs.  The minute I showed any need at all, I diminished in value to him.  My hoping for an apology just gave him another chance ... another way to hurt me again! 

Addictive Thinking!

 

This is what ADDICTION looks like ...  but ... This is what RECOVERY looks like too!  Addiction only feels like REAL LOVE because it's the closest we have ever been to those feelings!  But Addiction is NOT LOVE.  Addiction takes away from our lives.  LOVE adds to our lives. 

What makes that relationship "addictive" is that it taps into the same part of us that would be addicted to other things.  That needy, dark place that doesn't feel complete without another drink, another fix, another hug, another piece of chocolate ... whatever addicted fix you crave and whatever addiction you are recovering from, this is part of it.

Getting over addiction of any kind is not easy.  We are like any other addict.  We don't want to give up what we've got or what we think we have got.  We deny the negative effects of our addiction on our lives and the lives of our families.  We minimize and justify our wacky ideas about TRUE LOVE, but deep down, we know we are missing the boat.  We think we are fooling everyone else but we never really fool ourselves.  Do we?

In the beginning of recovery, I thought about Aydan and the things he said and the things he did constantly.  I kept running over the relationship in my mind, looking for clues about why things got so bad.  I made myself miserable contemplating questions that had no answers! 

I asked my therapist, "I hear what you are telling me about the difference between addiction and love, but if this isn't real love, why does it hurt so much?"

He just smiled and said,   

Addiction is REAL!  It does HURT!  It hurts to be an addict and it hurts to stop being an addict ... but it's worth it.

He was right.  It was worth it. 

Healing doesn't happen in a straight line.  In fact, the deepest healing looks more like a heart rate chart than a flat line!  I love those moments of accomplishment, but I welcome the lows too because they are part of the process. 

There will be cold, dark places as well as warm, light ones.  There will be times when you are feeling low because there will be times when you feel really up too.  There will be foggy times.  There will be rainy times.  There will be pitch black, cold nights as well as perfect, sunshiny days.  It is the natural rhythm of things. 

You don't have to fear one moment.  You can embrace and welcome each moment and every mood.  There is beauty in it all. 

When it's cold and dark outside, a fireplace or a candle seems that much warmer.  When there is no moon, the stars seem brighter.  It has to rain somewhere before you can see a rainbow!  You need the hot, summer heat to truly be quenched by ice cold lemonade.

I was an addict.  You may be an addict too?  We have a way of looking at things that really doesn't work that well for us or we never would have ended up in those hurting places!
 
I had to make changes in the way I look at myself and the rest of the world to survive.  I lost some of the innocence ... I couldn't keep the idea that there is good in EVERYBODY because that's just not true.  I couldn't keep the idea that if I tried a little harder and worked a little more, everything would magically turn out okay, because sometimes, in spite of our very best efforts, things don't turn out okay.  It hurt to give up that idealistic view of the world, but the seasoned view I have now is not so bad. 

I don't have to shut my eyes and hide from the dark!  Sometimes, holding our head up and facing the thing we fear allows us to see through the dark.  Our eyes readjust.  We don't hide like little kids under the pillow, hoping for it to all go away!  We are the grown-ups, walking to the door and looking into the night and searching for answers.  The answers always come riding up.  Some answers are immediate.  I have watched some answers come to me from great distances ...Instead of cowering in a warm corner somewhere, I watched with excitement and growing awareness that HELP was just around the corner!  Watching life unfold instead of hiding from it is the GREATEST MAGIC of all!!! 

So, wherever you are, whatever you do, trust that no matter how it "feels" at the time, you are still moving forward ... toward a better place.  Don't let yourself give up on you.  

You are witness to a miracle, and the miracle is YOU!